Shrewsbury Gardener in Spraying Accident
A Shrewsbury Gardener accidentally sprayed his herb garden with herbicide instead of pesticide. Fortunately he only ended up killing thyme.
written by IN SEINE, 19 June 2009
A Fair Settlement
Robert Bob McCoy's ex-wife to get the double-wide trailer as Robert Bob gets to keep pickup truck up on blocks, plus four out of five coon hounds under the front porch!
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Kicking Doesn't Help
Vicious kicking attack to automobile wheel's lug nuts fails to accomplish anything towards fixing flat, but frightfully accomplishes broken, warped toes.
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
MP Expenses - accommodation allowance scrapped
The governemnt has today announced that, since most MP's & peers will be spending time in secure accommodation, there is no further need for the second home allowance. Cell flipping is also banned.
written by Blazing Saddle, 19 June 2009
No One's Had West Nile Virus Here
Water draining from factory into pool in Bowling Green, Kentucky kills over 10,000 mosquitoes a week.
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Think Tank Bit Uppity!
Residents of the world's largest Think Tank appear before the U.N. saying they have come up with the solutions to all the world's problems, but won't tell others until they are worshiped as deity.
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Twelve -Year-Old Busted!
Mother of twelve-year-old Sharon Rockcastle blames hormones in beef and pork industry for her daughter suddenly getting busted!
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Biden To Change Name?
Motivational Speaker advises Vice President Biden to change his name to Booden Booden, indicating that he's not only always ready to go, but at the same time, increase popularity among NASCAR fans.
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Obama Surfing Internet
Republican aid catches President Barack Obama surfing the internet for ideas on how many other things the government can take over.
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Victor Meldrew is New Commons Speaker
OAP actor Richard Wilson is the new Speaker of the House of Commons with the sole remit to shout his tired One Foot in the Grave catchphrase 'I don't believe it' at any MP expenses claims and that.
written by The Big C O Jones, 19 June 2009
Medical Mary Use Restrictions
New medical marijuana use restrictions have been declared "Bummer", "Heavy", Uptight".
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Helicopters Dropping Insecticide
Helicopters blasting insecticide used to tackle mosquito threat to Britain. Several already sickened.(from pesticide)
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Boyle Axed From Show
Susan Boyle axed from Britain's Got Talent live show after balcony rant about her cat. The cat has agreed to fill her slot by doing "Memory".
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Japan Expands Navy Powers
Japan's parliament has passed a law allowing its navy wider powers to fight piracy off the coast of Somalia. Kamikaze pilots immediately report to aircraft carriers for duty.
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
A Heavy Burden
Somali journalist Ahmed-Tajir Omar Hashi Abbas Jafar Malik Ahbar Qasim Rahman Latif Dadiq Samsun Muzzamil has resigned saying that he simply cannot live up to his name.
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Airline Passengers Reassured
The fact that a Continental airlines flight landed safely, despite the death of the pilot, is no surprise, says David Learmount, of Flight International magazine. "Many land planes completely pissed."
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Elderly Jewish Lady Also Deported
Seven members of two rival biker gangs have been jailed for six years each for their part in a mass brawl between the gangs at an airport and an elderly Jewish lady with a rather sharp tongue.
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Left Off "D"
The Foreign Office is in talks with the Iranian ambassador in London after his country's supreme leader called the UK government "evil". Told it was a mistake. Should have read "devil".
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Cameron Demands Changes
Conservative leader David Cameron has said MPs' expenses should be published without major areas being blacked out - including addresses, charge cards, mother's maiden name!
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Future Archaeologist Find
Dateline, June 19th, 3050: Archaeologists digging up site near Crawford, Texas place skeleton found there near the Neanderthal period.
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Meeting Of Minds
Al Gore, Miss American confer on exactly when world peace and destruction of the planet will be here.
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Worshiping American Idol
Pat Robertson blames bad economy, Wall Street figures, high unemployment on US worshiping of American Idol!
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
See It Here!
FOX News shows twenty-second angle, 110th slow motion of President smashing helpless house fly.
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Bush
There once was a fool named Bush.
Who tried to run a country, but fell on his tush.
McCain the idiot came to save the day.
He picked Governor Palin and got blown away.
written by A gals view, 19 June 2009
The Wayward Massachusetts Cows
Two cows left their Massachusetts farm and walked five miles to New Hampshire. The N.H. department of tourism's new slogan is now: "Come on over to N.H. - Even the cows like us."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 June 2009
Small Business Organization Overran!
America's Small Business Association says that it cannot handle anymore applications coming from so many previous LARGE businesses.
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Newt Gingrich and Phil Donahue - Movie Stars
Lookalikes Newt Gingrich and Phil Donahue have been signed by MGM Pictures to star as brothers in a courtroom drama movie entitled, "The Case of The Catholic and The Non-Catholic."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 June 2009
Controversial Painkiller Withdrawn
The controversial withdrawal of a common painkiller has dramatically cut suicides, say researchers. "Although we can't blame the pills as those killed by them are, in fact, feeling no pain."
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Mitt Romney aka Mr. Michigan
Mitt Romney brags that he is such a great wheeling and dealing businessman that he owns about 40 percent of Michigan. The other 60 percent is now owned by The United States government.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 June 2009
Roger "The Big Fat Sad Clown" Clemens
Ex-former future hall of famer Roger Clemens was recently seen at a Dairy Queen in Katy, Texas. He went up to a little six-year-old girl and told her that he once used to be a very famous pitcher.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 June 2009
The Lap Tops Original Name Was...
Electronicsville Illustrated Magazine has revealed that the name Lap Top was not the first choice. The first name choice was Crotch Top. But someone decided that Lap Top sounded better.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 June 2009
Pakistan Destroying Taliban Headquarters
The military offensive against Taliban militants entrenched in north-western Pakistan is nearly over, the defence minister has said. "Another 10 years and it'll be finished."
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
The Rudy Giuliani (Non) Story
MGM drops plans to film "The Rudy Giuliani Story." When asked why, a top executive said because 97 percent of moviegoers either don't know who Giuliani is or else they don't care.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 June 2009
Ireish Reassured
EU leaders are finalising guarantees to enable the Lisbon Treaty to win a "Yes" vote in a second Irish referendum on potatoes. "Can we now put a lid on that?" asks British Ambassador.
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
It's An Old-Fashioned Iranian Standoff
Iran: Ayatollah demands end to protests. Protestors demand end to Ayatollah.
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Ancient Martian Lake
New images show evidence of ancient Martian lake. Appearance of old lifeguard seat, wheel-less hot dog stand, sign with "Orson Welles Is A Prumgnik!"
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Ex-Governor Rod Blagojevich's New Reality Show
Former governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich is getting his reality show wish. Fox will be casting him in their new prison reality series titled, "Housewives of Illinois State Prison."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 June 2009
Deatroit Man Confesses
Detroit man's confession: "I kill people for money. Some people say that this is wrong but these are hard times."
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Where The Sun DOES Shine
Nude hiking buffs ready to shed as solstice nears. Sales of binoculars soar 200 percent.
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
US Boosts Hawaii Defense
US boosts Hawaii defense to counter NKorea threat. Incoming missile will not receive leis from hula dancers in grass skirts.
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
New Gitmo Restrictions
Congress passes restrictions on Guantanamo detainees as they will no longer be allowed to ride segways around grounds, demand barbecued goat or pee in pool.
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Passengers Not Told
Passengers not told pilot of NJ-bound jet had died but became suspicious when stewardess hung wreath on cabin door.
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Brit Vet Oldest Man
British World War One veteran Henry Allingham is the world's oldest man at 113 following the death of the previous holder of the title, Japan's Tomoji Tanabe, of old war wounds, Friday.
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Soft Drinks Th Bankroll Universal Health Coverage?
A proposal to help bankroll universal health coverage with a dime-a-can increase in the price of soft drinks hits snag as people plan to turn to bottles. Soft drink companies ask for bailouts.
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Obama On Fatherhood
President Barack Obama will kick off a national conversation today about fatherhood, family, and mentoring. "Where would I be if not for my own father, Whats-His-Ass?", asks President.
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Oldest Man No Longer
Tomoji Tanabe, the world's oldest man, died in his sleep at his home in southern Japan on Friday, according to his current wife, Vocal Ono! He was 113.
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Leader Declares Leader
Iran's top leader warns of protest crackdown. "You'll elect Mr. Ahdmadinejad as supreme leader or you'll answer to me."
written by Bureau, 19 June 2009
Stranger Than Fiction!
Like The DeVito movie,the 44th president of the United States,Barrack Obama,and his half-brother George, wrote the same book without knowing it: "Throw Grandma Under the Bus!" Stranger Than Fiction!
written by Adam Click, 19 June 2009
Attention: Mike Huckabee Call Home First Chance You Get
Although he has pretty much disappeared, there is no truth to the rumor that Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee's likeness has been put on milk cartons throughout Arkansas.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 June 2009
Someone Tell Gov. Rick Perry He Was Not Elected King of Texas
The vast majority of Texans do not trust Governor Rick Perry at all. Most believe that if the price was right he would sell Texas back to Mexico in a Houston minute.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 June 2009
The FBI Issues Dick "The Dick" Cheney A Warning
A friend of former Vice-President Dick Cheney has revealed that the FBI has informed Cheney that he needs to stop his diarrhea of the mouth routine or he will be arrested for statutory stupidity.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 June 2009
Brett "The Man Who Just Cannot Stay Retired" Favre Wants Back In
NFL retired (again) football quarterback Brett Favre is seriously thinking about coming out of retirement and playing for the world champion Los Angeles Lakers.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 June 2009
Welcome To The Naomi "I'm One Bad Ass Spoiled Child" Campbell Cable Show
The East Coast Tantrum Throwing Society has just unanimously voted Naomi Campbell to be its 2009 Poster Girl for Hissy-Fits.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 June 2009
Attention: Mike Huckabee Call Home First Chance You Get
Although he has pretty much disappeared, there is no truth to the rumor that Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee's likeness has been put on milk cartons throughout Arkansas.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 June 2009
The Original Flavor Flav
Flavor Flav the American rapper revealed to Ryan Seacrest that his original name was Tasty Treat. He says that he changed it at the insistence of the dog food people who filed a $20 million lawsuit.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 June 2009
The Real Truth About David Archuleta's Father
David Archuleta says that the real truth about his father getting arrested for soliciting a prostitute is that the prostitute was actually soliciting his father for an autograph by son David.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 June 2009
The Trailblazing Icelandic Hockey League
The Icelandic Hockey League has decided that in order to lure more fans they will begin using a burning hockey puck. Should the puck go out a timeout will be called and the puck will be relit.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 June 2009
Endangered Species List Ruling on Grey Wolf Nears
Environmentalists have sued the EPA over the 4000 Great Lakes Grey Wolves removed from the ESL. A judge may put the wolves back on the ESL, but allow placing 8000 Bengal Tigers into their habitat.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 19 June 2009
Viva la Vida: The Number Of Artists Who Believe Coldplay ...
has stolen their music has now risen to: 14,387
written by Wire Piddle, 19 June 2009
The Honorable City of Toulouse, France
The city of Toulouse, France has approved the construction of a twelve foot statue to honor the French Fry.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 June 2009
Oprah Lookin' To Buy A Summer Home
Oprah's BFF Gayle says that the talk show host is seriously considering buying the African country of Mozambique. Winfrey wants to use it as a summer home for her and Stedman.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 June 2009
Ben and Jerry's New Presidential Ice Cream
Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream to create a new flavor. They will name it in honor of the president. The new ice cream flavor will be Obama's Raisin Fly Nut.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 June 2009
The Housewives of Guantanamo?
The producers of the housewives reality shows such as Housewives of Orange County have given up, for obvious reasons, on their idea for a new spinoff called Housewives of Guantanamo.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 June 2009
