Iraqi Sues US Military
Former Iraqi prisoner sues after discovering that he cannot get an erection unless his wife waterboards him first, points at his penis mockingly and puts a sack over his head.
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
Britney's New Underwear Line
Both Fredericks of Hollywood and Victoria's Secret will be carrying Britney's new crotchless, pantyless brand of underwear waistbands in 2010.
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
What happens in Vegas will no longer stay in Vegas
With city's unemployment rate at 10.4%, Vegas betting everything on same sex unions, hoping to hit jackpot as quick-marriage capital of world rakes in tourist dollars from visiting newlyweds.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 01 June 2009
A Hell of a Story
Superstitious spoof writer bids TheSpoof.com farewell when published article mysteriously stalls out at 666 views.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 01 June 2009
April Fools!! Well, sort of...
China says press release stating support for recent North Korea activity "just a gag," Chinese equivalent of April Fools joke. Meaning lost on Americans completely unfamiliar with Chinese calender.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 01 June 2009
Cohen The Ugliest Bird In The World
Cohen entered the MTV award show suspended from a wire dressed as a bird. He landed on rapper Eminem with his 'bird butt' in the singer's face. Em left quickly shooting down rumors they're engaged.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 June 2009
Superhero arrested for stealing from soup kitchen
There was public horror as Batman was caught stealing soup from an international hobo convention. The superhero in question was unavailable for comment, and Robin was too drunk to answer coherently.
written by Incoming Dessert, 01 June 2009
The Panama Canal Raises Its User Fee
Panama says that they will be raising their fee to use The Panama Canal by 50 percent. The Panamanian Panama Canal Coalition (PPCC) said the fee increase is due to the increase in water prices.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 June 2009
The International Federation of Unkissed Women's 2009 Poster Gal
The International Federation of Unkissed Women has just announced that they have named Britain's Got Talent second place winner Susan Boyle as their 2009 poster gal. First runner up was Ann Coulter.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 June 2009
North Dakota May Be Closing
North Dakota is in extremely bad financial shape due to the horrible state of the economy. The governor says that it may just close and become part of South Dakota.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 June 2009
The Discovery Channel & The National Geographic Channel Both Say "No!"
The Discovery Channel and The National Geographic Channel have stated they'll no longer air any documentaries or specials on North Korea until their leader gets rid of his hairdo form hell!
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 June 2009
Senator John Edward's Great New Job Offer
Senator John Edwards has just announced that he has been offered a part-time job as a photographer for The National Enquirer. No word as yet as to his decision.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 June 2009
Amy Winehouse's New Last Name
Amy Winehouse in an effort to try and lose her 'Bad Girl' image will be dropping her alcoholic-sounding last name of Winehouse. She will replace it with the less alcoholically-sounding Whorehouse.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 June 2009
An Important New Guinea Food Alert
The International Food Federation has mandated that residents of New Guinea immediately refraim from eating uncooked woodchuck because of the possibility of sawdust poisoning
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 June 2009
Bernard Madoff Emails Phil Spector
Bernard Madoff reportedly emailed fellow inmate Phil Spector and wrote, "First off welcome to the Iron Bar Hotel. And second...hey have I got a record deal for you."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 June 2009
The Biggest General Motors Sales Promotion in History!
General Motors announces that anyone purchasing one of their brand new 2009 line of automobilies will automatically recieve 1,000 shares of GM stock...(Free!).
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 June 2009
Madonna Still Has It!
Madonna, out to prove that she's STILL GOT IT after turning 50-years old, proves to everyone that she has...only it's 50-years-old!
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
They're A Bargain
Guy who just came out of coma can't believe how many shares he could hurriedly purchase from General Motors!
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
Gitmo Prisoners Tortured
General: Withheld Iraq abuse photos depict scenes of prisoners being force to walk under ladders, step on cracks, break glass, given the evil eye!
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
Whole Lot Of Snooping Going On
John McCain, after President Obama reveals his computer was hacked, states that someone had discovered his house's priest hold!
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
Woman Who Played Harp at Royal Wedding Charged with Burglary and Fraud
But she claims to have mitigating circumstances - she claims she was harpist at the time.
written by Roy Turse, 01 June 2009
Wall Of Pads!
Phil Spector goes completely mad in cell, now placed in a padded echo chamber which he seems to like.
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
So Excited They Wet 'Em
Scientists out walking trail between studies of small animals remains two weeks ago, excited after discovering "the missing lynx"!
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
NKorea Blasted Away
North Korea sets off two more missiles and one underground nuclear weapon that blows away the 'hole country". Jung's last words, "I messed up!"
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
NCarolina Tests Nuclear Devise
South Carolina concerned after North Carolina tested a nuclear device underground Sunday while the President & Michelle still sleeping after big date!
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
Bristol Palin Finally Gets Her High School Diploma
Single mother Bristol Palin has finally gotten her high school diploma. Her mom, Governor Sarah Palin says that next she plans on getting her U.S. citizenship.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 June 2009
KFC By Any Other Name Is KGC
The small African country of Sierra Leone has declared that it is bankrupt. Rumors floating around are saying that there is a distinct possibility that they may be purchased by Kentucky Fried Chicken.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 June 2009
Mother Abandons Boys To Shop
Two young boys found neck-deep in rising tide after mother abandons them for shopping trip. "Thought they couldn't possibly get into trouble by burying the up to neck in sand!"
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
Can't Hear Actors?
Viewers tuning out of hit shows as music and background noises make actors inaudible. Suspect new doctor's/movie company deal.
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
Actuaries Prefer Viagra 3-1
The United States Organization of Certified Actuaries have named Viagra as the leading FIRM rate in penis pumpers.
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
Doctor May Be Sued
Huge fart by Ear, Nose & Throat Specialist during hearing test leaves patient partially deaf. Also now has trouble with sense of smell.
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
Britain Has 16!
Major manhunt launched as police reveal 16 of the world's most wanted men are on the run in the UK. Gentry with dogs called in to help!
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
Brown Joining Boyle?
Another one for The Priory? Brown says it's his duty to carry on as his premiership goes into meltdown. "At least I'll get to hear the Scottish Songbird."
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
Darling To Repay Service Charges
Darling to repay service charges after a weekend of personal encouragement by Sweetypoo.
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
Swine Flu Contained In Australia
Almost 2,000 cruise ship passengers at the centre of Australia's swine flu outbreak have disembarked in Sydney as experts said the virus was contained by quickly throwing victims overboard.
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
First Bees, Then MP's
A bumblebee which is extinct in the UK is to be reintroduced from New Zealand under plans being announced. If successful, honest MP's next to be introduced.
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
China's New Health Rules
China's health authorities are reported to be putting a stop to restaurants serving chickens which have been bitten to death by poisonous snakes. Also cobras, killed by mongoose.
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
Tomatos Save The Day
Scientists say a natural supplement made from tomatoes, taken daily, can stave off heart disease, strokes and scurvy. Good news for everyone, especially Somali pirates.
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
Geithner Reassures China
US Treasury Sec. Timothy Geithner has told the Chinese government its investments in the US are "very safe", despite a growing budget deficit. "If the US goes down, we're taking everyone with us."
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
NKorea Launches More Missles
North Korea is reportedly moving closer towards launching another long-range missile. Hoping this one will not come straight back down on launch site.
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
Supposed To Show Fish Evolution
Robots with fins, tails demonstrate evolution -from lug nut to big tin can on "Lost In Space" to computer chip robots of today.
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
Boyle In Clinic
Scottish singer Susan Boyle was taken to a London clinic for treatment following her 2nd-place finish in a nationwide talent competition, after a proper dressing down by judge Simon Cowell.
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
New Bride Saves Family
Connecticut bride rescues family from house fire. "It was 3 AM and my new husband and I just happened to still be going at it!"
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
Japanese Ambassador Apologizes
Japanese ambassador apologizes to America, Philippines for World War II Death March. "It just now came to our attention. Our bad!"
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
Last Titanic Survivor Gone!
Last Titanic survivor dies in England as 98-year-old chokes to death on piece of iceberg lettuce.
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
Eye Fungus Among Us
Bausch & Lomb settles 600 eye fungus lawsuits this morning without blinking!
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
NYC GM Dealer Leads Way
General Motors bankruptcy court filings begin with NY dealer who sold Hummers on credit to street people to live in.
written by Bureau, 01 June 2009
June Fools Day
It's June Fools Day. Everything politicos say on June 1 is to be taken seriously.
written by J.K. Baltzersen, 01 June 2009
