The Mysterious Jelly

Funny story written by IainB

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

image for The Mysterious Jelly
Unearthy jelly with a strange green glow

Around the British Isles as the snow melts, a strange jelly like substance is coming to light in several areas of the country. And this is not the first time it's been spotted.

The jelly substance contains no identifiable DNA, and resists all attempts at traditional identification methods, such as poking it with a stick and licking it, leading to some suggesting that it is alien in origin.

The alien theorists do not have an explanation of why aliens would be leaving small mounds of jelly around the country beyond the usual: "Well, they're alien aren't they, we wouldn't understand."

Other bizarre explanations, such as deer semen, mischievous imps, meteor remains (yes, really), bacterial slime mould and badger snot have all been discounted, leaving seemingly nothing.

Jasper Orange, a jelly technician for Rowntrees, has ideas of his own.

"Well, it could be infertile frog spawn, brought on by environmental factors," said Orange. "Or it could be dew mixing with chemicals in pollution that has settled on the grass."

Although seemingly sensible suggestions, they have been pooh-poohed by renowned psychic Oliver Factotum.

"It is quite clear that these jelly deposits are ectoplasm, the remains of Earthly visits by ethereal visitors from the other side," said Factotum. "People have been searching for proof of the existence of a spirit world since before the invention of time, and here we have it, scattered around the British Countryside."

Jeremy Forthright, of Whitehaven does not agree with any of the suggestions put forward, but does know his own mind, and that he has a few tonnes of the stuff in his garden.

"I don't really give a toss what it is, you hear?", Forthright said. "I just want somebody to come and shift it out of my garden. It's beginning to smell. If anybody needs samples, they can get it from me."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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