Internet downloads "are slower when you watch them" - scientists

Funny story written by Noshing Mink

Sunday, 15 July 2007

image for Internet downloads "are slower when you watch them" - scientists
The painted stripes on this zebra crossing took 25 hours, 17 minutes and 11 seconds to dry

An international panel of scientists have reported that Internet download speeds are slower when you watch the files being downloaded. The conclusion comes after an 18 month report costing over $5 million.

The scientists visited thousands of websites and tried file saving software, and also interviewed hundreds of Internet users. Professor I.P. Address of the panel told us: "Often when you are downloading a large file, say 700 Megabytes, you feel that the download is slower than anticipated. For years, computer experts used to blame it on Internet bottlenecks and problems in South America. What the Hell has South America got to do with anything? Our findings were that it has nothing to do with these things at all. It's entirely because the user is sitting in front of his computer watching the damn thing.

"Nor does it make any difference what the speed of your Internet connection is, what operating system and computer you are using or what you are downloading. We would advise people to start a download at night before they go to bed and by morning, hopefully the files being downloaded will have arrived safely."

Unemployed painter and ex-window cleaner Mick Glass agreed. "It is like watching paint dry. It definitely dries more slowly when you are watching it. But if you go away and come back, it'll be dry as the desert. I once spent 10 hours watching a coat of paint dry and it was still sticky. However, when I applied the second coat, I went away on holiday and when I got back the following week, it was done and dry."

Professor Address refused to draw any parallels between Internet download speeds and the drying propensities of emulsion paint. He did, however, give us some interesting bookmarks. He also told us that his next project is to measure Internet upload speeds and he hopes to have his report ready by 2009.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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