Cro-Magnon Asserts His Real Estate Privilege

Funny story written by Ana Sian

Monday, 10 October 2022

image for Cro-Magnon Asserts His Real Estate Privilege
The Reconstructed Face of God -- Now Get Off HIS Land!

Since territorial disputes are always a problem for many countries, especially those which can’t stay within their own boundaries and always want more more MORE land in which to spread their virus of nationalism, land surveyors and miners and oil-finders and other people who care are worried about one man from the past.

The CERN Large Hadron Collider has opened a portal into the past. And what came out? A Cro-Magnon man. Who speaks perfectly English! Wow, that’s some particle accelerator!

The Man, only known as “Cro” has stated: “Everything belongs to me and my people. Yes, there were only fifty of us, but we were here before any of you. So all the ways in which you divide up MY land is null and void. Your international boundaries mean nothing. Your religions and heritages and wars and all those important documents you’ve written over the ages giving yourselves permission to steal from me … over and done, dude, they mean nothing – you’re all on MY land and you need to get the fuck off NOW!”

When asked how Cro will force people to get off “his” land, he said, “I’ll do what the British and French did the Indigenous people of the Americas. I’ll give you my disease – which was cured millions of years ago, but I still got a cough and an itch – and we’ll see how many of you there are left in one year. Thanks to Covid, I now know how to take over the world. Thanks for the advice, jerkwads! Fifty of my guys are gonna take down your whole world. Fire up that Collider – my boys are getting hungry for human!”

He then disappeared into a puff of neon blue light, and was gone … only to return, though no one knows when or where …

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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