North Becomes South in a Heatwave

Funny story written by Ana Sian

Sunday, 17 July 2022

image for North Becomes South in a Heatwave
A Continent is Burning for Change

Martha and the Vandelles sang about a heatwave burning in their hearts.

Now Europe and Texas and much of the rest of the world are burning up. And their hearts just aren’t in it.

Do right-wingers who still think some kind of god is in charge of everything on Earth is responsible for this heatwave?

Texas has lots of money ‘cuz they found oil in 1901, before Saudi Arabia and other Arab states did and kinda had a monopoly on the market for a while. Making a ton of dumbass redneck Texans rich assholes. Ever heard of the Bush family?

Why do religious jerks always get the oil? (A Zen koan, unanswerable.)

Now the religious have to admit that something’s changing in the world’s weather and climate.

Soon, polar bears will be hired as waiters in fancy restaurants all over the Arctic Circle. Canada’s Arctic archipelago will be hot real estate (like islands in the Caribbean, where Epsteins and Trumps and Gates’ go to play), where millions will live, until the Canucks have to erect a giant border wall so that Americans don’t venture north for free health care and awesome maple syrup.

I hereby predict (since the religious love their prophets and televangelist future-predictors, even if they’re all wrong, it gives petty people something to believe in) that maybe in 100 years the world will flip.

What is north will be south, and vice versa.

To all those countries that have enjoyed great weather all year round (except for hurricane season), you’re gonna soon have to invest in parkas and snowmobiles. A new ice age will squeeze itself between the Tropics of Cancer and Capricorn, and Martha and her Vandells will be doing three shows a day in the Vegas-esque casinos of Russia, Norway, Sweden, Canada, Alaska (which will be sold back to the Russians when America runs out of money), and of course, Antarctica.

From which comes the climax of this piece: the next wars will take place on the Seventh Continent, the one nobody officially owns. China doesn’t even have a foothold there (as far as we know), and any treaties that currently attempt to protect the frozen continent will easily be overturned until they’re not worth the napkins they’re printed on. The penguins are scared.

So enjoy this heatwave, Europe, ‘cuz Italy and Greece and Spain and Portugal, etc, will be plowing snow from their driveways (who’s gonna shovel the Pope’s balcony and make sure his Popemobile has winter tires?) and Scandinavia will be all topless all the time!

And then, finally, there will be paradise on Earth.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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