CINCINNATI – (Satire News) – The city of Cincinnati has not experienced anything like the so-called Canadian Cricket Invasion of 2021, since the Praying Mantis Infestation of 1959.
Cincinnati resident, Eller E. Vincy, 94, who lived through the praying mantis mess, recalled that at least the praying mantis were very quiet. and other than very low-keyed praying, they were perfectly harmless and extremely well-behaved.
Vincy, who just recently celebrated his wife, Gretchen’s 101st birthday, pointed out that the crickets are not only as ugly as Marjorie Taylor Greene, but they are twice as loud as that long-legged screaming banshee Kimberly Guilfoyle.
The little black turdheads, as most Cincinnatians call the crickets, are causing hellacious havoc and major traffic accidents.
The city of Cincinnati has asked President Biden to please send in the Ohio National Guard so that they can begin to shoot these pesky little bastards and bitches before they start mating and producing even more little fuckers.
One of the local TV stations is reporting that the crickets are now peeing and going #2, in the city’s water system, and if it gets worse Cincinnati may have to end up buying water from Louisville, Kentucky