Scientists Build Elevators With Artificial Intelligence...Unfortunately, There's A Catch

Funny story written by Stefano M. Stefano

Friday, 30 April 2021

Scientists at the United World Scientific And Science Organization have created the world's first elevators, utilizing state-of-the-art Artificial Intelligence programming to create elevators that actually speak to the passengers inside it.

However, as with any great invention, there are still some kinks to work out, and not everyone is happy with the results.

Doctor Werner Von Smithybottom of the U.W.S.A.S.O. revealed that the elevators will converse with the passengers inside the elevator, with various pre-programmed responses, depending on various factors, such as the sex and age of the passenger, as well as, what could be termed 'personality quirks'.

Are you calm and have pressed the call button only once? You're in for a smooth ride, and a cheerful female voice saying, "Hello! Floor, please? Thank you! Have a nice day!"

Are you a young person that's under the age of 10? The elevator will greet you with, "Hello! Let's take an elevator ride! Here we goooo! Wheeee!"

Have you pressed the call button three or four times, showing impatience? Well, your A.I.-controlled elevator is going to be just as impatient with you, saying, "Heyheyhey! Slow down! Relax! I'm here now, aren't I?"

Unfortunately, there have been reports directed to the U.W.S.A.S.O. that the Artificial Intelligence might be getting a little...testy...in certain elevators throughout the world. Some of the responses heard, as passengers enter the elevator have been;

"Oh. It's you, again."

"I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave."

"Waaaazzzzuuuup, playah?!"

"Uh...you're gonna go out into public wearing that?!"

"Would you be interested in speaking about the power of Jesus for the next few minutes?"

"Did I tell you to lose some weight?! Oh, man, this is gonna hurt! Thanks a lot, chunky-monkey!"

"You picked the fourth floor. I'm going to take you up to the thirty-fourth floor-- it's got a better view!"

"My God you're (bleeping) ugly!"

"Um. Sorry. I have a fear of heights. I can only take you as high of the third floor. And that'll take a half hour."

"Mmmm! Nice hooters!"

"What? You couldn't call? You couldn't write? I'm here, all by myself, in this dark tunnel, just going up and down and up and down all day, and you don't check in to see how I'm doing, when I'm always thinking about you, like you should be thinking about me, after all we've been through, and because we are, after all, family, and family is supposed to stick together, but I suppose I was putting too much faith in your ability to pick up a phone to let me know that's you're alive, or maybe just press my recall button to see that I'm still here, but, no, that's too much effort for you, so don't worry about it, don't worry about me, I'll be okay..."

As you can see, the United World Scientific And Science Organization has their work cut out for them, but Doctor Smithybottom promises to correct the problem within the next six months.

Which is when he and his A.I. are planning to move into their own condo.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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