First non-binary computer introduced

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Saturday, 30 January 2021

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MacBook: no longer the gayest computer

It is the largest milestone in computing since the invention of the internet-enabled fridge. This week, computer manufacturer BigHard has developed the world's first non-binary computer.

The computer is called Bernard, but prefers to use the pronoun "it". It was developed by scientists in San Francisco who wanted to challenge traditional concepts of computing.

"Most computers use binary language, that is 0s and 1s," said inventor Geoff Joystick. "But computer engineers often consider 0s to be male and 1s female, because a 0 looks like a testicle and a 1 looks like what an engineer imagines a vagina looks like."

"But computing language is really a spectrum. So we have developed a computer that uses a range of numbers from 1 to 3 million."

The outcome of this extra set of numbers is that any computation made by the machine is bitchy and outspoken. The computer is also very insecure and doesn't have many practical uses, but it looks fabulous.

Many engineers have complained about the device. "I'd like to know if the machine was born as a 0-based binary system or a 1-based binary system," said critic Lionel Blair. "It must be one or the other. There's no such thing as a non-binary computer. They've been cross-wiring it, but it must have a male to female socket in there somewhere."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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