Could Photographic Tongues Replace Eyes And Smartphones?

Written by Dr. Billingsgate

Friday, 12 April 2019

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BILLINGSGATE POST: It’s not unusual to hear someone claim to have a photographic memory. But to have a photographic tongue capable of recording everything it sees or touches, is remarkable, indeed.

In an article appearing in the Journal of Lingual Dexterity, a team of researchers led by Drs. Slim Everdingle and Detrick “Dirty Trick” Detwiler, describe the cross fertilization of Gaboon Viper sensor cells with the pollen from the Painted Tongue Flower. Fashioning a micro-camera small enough to be embedded into the lingual surface of a human tongue is not child's play.

A video of Dr. Dirty Trick extracting the viper sensor cells from the slithering tongue of the highly poisonous Gaboon Viper is fascinating. Not nearly so fascinating is the video of Dr. Everdingle wrestling with the docile stamen of the Painted Tongue Flower to extract pollen from the filaments; although not nearly as dangerous, it is equally important.

Capable of recording both sensual and visually stimulated activity, these cameras may prove invaluable to those suffering from cataracts or other eye impairments. Although fears that eyes might become redundant, with the tongue becoming the dominant instrument providing stimuli via the brain stem to the medulla, Dr. Everdingle pooh-poohs this inevitable possibility:

“My greatest fear is that, instead of two people engaging in eye contact while communicating, they will instead use their tongues inappropriately.”

Dr. Dirty: “Yo Dude, I hear ya."

“Pucker up, baby. I'm coming in for a slobber job.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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