Written by SamIAm

Thursday, 8 November 2018

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image for Man Invents Breakthrough Contraption That Assist Old People Who Are Always Forgetting Shit
Inventor, Philip Myers, 63, proves with his creations that he refuses to take growing old sitting down.

Omaha, Nebraska - A lifelong resident here, has created a breakthrough invention for aging adults with memory troubles. Philip Myers, 63, claims The Invention will change people's lives.

"It happens to all of us old folks," states Myers. "We're sitting in our chair watching TV, then we remember we have to make a phone call, or sweep the kitchen floor, whatever. Once we stand up and walk into the other room, we completely forget why we got up in the first place. But then, when we go sit back down, we remember. I was personally sick of this phenomenon, and this led to my invention."

Myers says that, after researching the subject, he found that all humans have a nerve center on both cheeks of the buttocks that connect to the memory section of the brain, which stimulates the recollection of information. He further states that when pressure is applied to this area of the buttocks, the nerves in the brain are stimulated and stay active. Once the pressure is alleviated, especially in the elderly, the signals are weakened and even completely cut off.

"Once I learned about these nerve signals in my ass, and that my memory problems came from the lack of pressure on my asscheeks, it got me to thinking. What if I could create a pair of underwear which squeezed your ass when you stood up? That way, you could fool the brain into thinking you were still sitting down and not forget what you got up to do. And that's when I invented what I call The Hindsight 20/20."

Myers says that it's a secret exactly how the underwear works. But it works every time.

"I tested it on myself," Myers stated. "Before I invented it, there were just too many times while watching Husker football that I would get up at halftime, stroll into my bedroom to get a two minute quickie from my wife, but I would immediately forget why I went in the bedroom. I would just stand there in the room with a boner that, at my age, I rarely get any more, trying to remember what turned me on in the first place, staring at my wife as she lay on the bed watching "Matlock", gumming her Jell-O until she looked up and yelled, 'What? What do you want? Go watch your stupid game! And take your boner with you!' But not anymore thanks to the hindsight 20/20!"

Myers states that the cheek-squeezing underwear is skidmark free, comes with adjustments for pressure, automatic shut-off for those times when you fall asleep with the squeeze setting on. And for a few dollars more you can add his patented Fart Effects - a built-in memory chip that disguises the sound of your farts so those around you will think they heard birds tweeting, children laughing, or maybe guns firing, depending on your mood. You can choose from a thousand different sounds, or visit his website and download your own. You can even record your own voice onto Fart Effects so that every time you pass gas your own voice will remind you to take your pills.

Myers claims he has other completed inventions still waiting in the wings, designed especially for aging men.

"One of these is special hearing aids," Myers stated proudly. "They not only make you hear better, they also morph the voice of healthcare workers to a normal tone instead of that insulting, high-pitched, voice like they're talking down to a three-year-old. No more will you have to hear someone say, 'get into your jam-jams, Mr. Myers, and go set your pink little bottom on the tooitee before you accidentally make poopsie-whoopsie in your di-di!' That's bull crap! I'm 63 years old! Talk to me like a man! Tell me I need to go drop the Browns off at the Super Bowl before I shit my pants! But with these groundbreaking hearing aids, no more baby talk! It's a miracle! And believe me, there are many more miracles to come!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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