Man Tried, Unsuccessfully, To Stifle Fart

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 7 June 2018

image for Man Tried, Unsuccessfully, To Stifle Fart
Pupils try to unhear 'it'

'Embarrassment' was hardly the word to use for one man in Battambang this morning, after he tried to stifle a fart that his instinct told him, was likely to have a major impact in his classroom.

Moys Kenwood, 54, attempted to subdue the pump he knew very well would 'end in disaster' if any of his 11-year-old students heard it, but alas, his efforts were in vain.

Halfway through a Science lesson about 'Water and Wind', and whilst the students were silently completing a written exercise in their notebooks, the teacher started to feel uneasy about the 'wind within' which, he feared, might soon be the 'wind without'.

To counter this, he nipped-in his buttock cheeks, and prayed a silent prayer to an imagined God of Ultimate Mercy, but the God wasn't out of bed yet. The fart was on its way - ETA: two seconds.

To lessen the devastation, Kenwood quickly sat down on a green plastic chair that was nearby. In hindsight, this would seem to have been a catastrophic error.

A sound powerful enough to simultaneously yank twenty-five heads up out of notebooks, resounded through the room, followed by a small tremor. Quizzical looks, furrowed brows, and scrunched-up faces of utter disgust were on twenty-five faces, and laughter, bordering on 'hysterical', was about to emerge from twenty-five throats.

In desperation, Kenwood feigned 'innocence', and stood and looked accusingly at the plastic chair, as if it had somehow been responsible for the 'noise', but the students weren't buying it. The raucous laughter went on unabated until the school bell announced it was time for morning break, sparing further blushes. Said Kenwood:

"Another sixty seconds, and I think I'd have gotten away with it. Never mind. By Monday morning, this will all be a distant memory - I hope!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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