Scientists from the Seattle Technology Institute National College (STINC) have achieved a major breakthrough in recycling technology.
Spokesperson Violet Funk explained. "STINC specializes in recycling human and animal waste, with a focus on conversion to kinetic energy. Our top priority is a project we're calling F2F, 'Flatulence To Flight'."
"The idea behind F2F was one man's dream, our Chief Scientist, Julius Cheeselander, who unfortunately died in a methane gas explosion in 2010".
Funk expanded. "When folks sit in aeroplanes, they let off exceptional volumes of gas because their bodies aren't using up much energy. The air in pressurised cabins is filtered throughout flights. The F2F project has developed a special membrane which separates and converts the methane to kerosene, which is jet fuel."
The Spoof's Science Editor, Arthur Nooron, asked Funk if there any practical obstacles to commercialising the new "Fart to Fuel" technology. Funk replied, "Well, not an obstacle as such, just a small, new, pre-flight requirement of passengers. In order to generate enough methane to complete trips, all passengers will be required to eat a meal high in gas-producing foods like beans and lentils, asparagus, broccoli, brussel sprouts, as well as artichokes, onions, pears and wheat. Oh, and a lot of gassy soft drinks and beer. Babies are exempt because they already generate more than enough methane. Passengers will also be required to sit in the plane two hours before takeoff in order to generate sufficient fuel."
Funk continued, "Complying passengers will fly for 10% of the normal airfares and be issued free gas masks. Those who don't comply will pay full fares and will have to bring their own masks. All passengers will be metered using a special device fitted in their seats."
STINC has a strong track record of successful projects and Cheeselander's vision, in the form of F2F, is seen as a "major breakthrough".