Post-Mortem Skype Reveals Hellish Secret

Funny story written by Jeffrey Stokes

Thursday, 12 November 2015

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Lost Souls Describe Their Confusion

In a new program launched by the Theo-Science Department of Adam Everson University (Normal, IL), researchers were able to create a method of very tangibly speaking to those who have passed away. Done through a method derived of advanced electronic reading equipment, program (and department head) Dr. Lucy Fir describes it as a sort of post-mortem Skype,

"We turn on our equipment and press a big green
button that sends out a call. Unfortunately, not all
of the souls out there are in our contact list (and we
aren't even sure how their calling cards work), so
we are not currently able to contact anyone
specifically. At this point, we just communicate with
whomever answers the call."

This technological, and paranormal, advancement is astounding and seems like a potential jumping point for even more shows and movies such as: Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Activity, Supernatural, and, potentially, a revamp of This Is Your Life. While this already seems unbelievable, after looking into the stories of hundreds (nearing a thousand) spirits - a more bewildering fact is being unveiled: Many of the Christian beings are in hell, even after following the scripted prayer and becoming "saved." The head student on the project, Bell Zeebub, shared that "as the souls tell their story they show immense confusion for their current location." More than that, they apparently want to reach out to the living world and spread the word that this being saved thing might just be a fraud. Zeebub states,

"We have had numerous beings tell us that they would do
anything to save their children the five minutes it takes to
say that prayer and the lifetime of keeping up appearances
that comes with it. We worked with our professors and
drafted a set of questions that we ask each [person] who
answers the call. One of the final questions is, 'Why did you
answer the call today?' For the hell-bound Christians, every
time the answer is the same: in order to try and save the world
from being saved."

We asked world-renown theologian, Agnus Tick, to weigh-in with any foresight as to why this was occurring. She shared that there has been a rapid increase in the Evangelical Christian movement over the past 50 years, or so.

"Christians have always had their sense of entitlement and
felt they are the only way to 'Heaven.' They have also always
had their growing bouts of rage and destruction, fire and
brimstone, and other scare tactics to convert those around
them. However, the past 50 years has been a dangerous
path of scaring people with this social faux-pas concept."

Tick shared that a lot of people are (or were) lured into church with their friends or family and then pressured to get saved with a feeling of losing those connections without doing so. Thus, all of these individuals were following the steps given to accept Jesus - which, allegedly, grants you access into Heaven. Most would also continue to go to church after the fact, but didn't get into those pearly gates in the end because a lack of actual faith. Tick states, "What these poor, unfortunate souls were lacking was a sense of actual faith. If you were in a cage with an angry, hungry lion, you might take everyone else's word that the lion tamer can protect you. However, until he actually does protect you, most people would not necessarily accept it as fact. If you do take it as fact, that is faith."

So perhaps this Evangelical Christian movement can save people from hell. They just need to make their people have a little faith. We will revisit Dr. Fir and her team, in a few months, after they gather information on the afterlife of Mormons and their potential planetary gains.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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