NSA Leaker Posts Raw Transcripts of Intercepted Tucker Carlson Conversation

Funny story written by G. Brookings

Saturday, 10 July 2021

image for NSA Leaker Posts Raw Transcripts of Intercepted Tucker Carlson Conversation
NSA Intercepts Coded Message from General Tso to Tucker Carlson

Leaker’s Note: This obviously coded conversation was picked up in a secure railway location, in an area prohibited to the public. The speakers are being sought for questioning. Tucker Carlson has issued a statement denying that he knows these individuals or that he has been coordinating or colluding with them or the Russians. Experts are working to decode the text.

Speaker 1: The world goin’ to hell, ain’t it?

Speaker 2: (Inaudible reply or grunt).

Speaker 1: You remember the days when we kings of the road? Hobos? Now we just homeless. Like we didn’t have a choice.

Speaker 2: Fucking victims. Yeh, like we went out one day and forgot how to get back…

Speaker 1: No, good ol’ days gone for sure. Now its all Russians are comin’ and Chinese after our shit too. Communists in Hollywood and in the government. Raisin our taxes. Everyone wants to take our oil and shit like that.

Speaker 2: Thought we did this already, like seventy fucking years ago. But what do you care about oil and taxes? You got nothin’.

Speaker 1: Got my freedom. And when the tax man comes round, no one throw shit away. What we gonna do if everyone down to eating their own leftovers?

Speaker 2: Be careful what you say. They’re always listening. Gonna come and tax your leftovers. New dumpster tax from Biden.

Speaker 1: (laughs) Feel you. Not easy like it used to be. I remember when gas cost 25 cents a gallon; smokes were about the same. A dill pickle cost 5 cents and you could get cash pickin’ up glass Coke bottles and turn ‘em in for change.

Speaker 2: Good ol’ days. Maybe those Russian and Chinese commies still have days like that over there. They’re fifty years behind us, they say. Still tryin’ to get to the fuckin’ moon for some reason. Maybe we should check it out. Hitch a ride on the Siberia express.

Speaker 1: Sure. Cold fuckin’ days there I bet.

Speaker 2: Everyone was more relaxed in the old days. You could laugh at some ugly mother fucker and not feel bad about it. Get drunk and call people names and not get shot right away. No fucking recycling either to mess us up. Everything was in one dumpster in those days.

Speaker 1: Yeh, I remember this old blind guy lived on our block. We kids wait for him to come tap tap tapping by and stick out our feet and watch him do a header into the street. What a hoot.

Speaker 2: You laughed at that shit? Fucked up man. But I’m thinking its not Putin we need to talk to but that Chinese guy, President Moo Goo Guy Pan whatshisname. Seems ok. Doesn’t dress fancy in those black pajamas.

Speaker 1: No big shiny Rolex. Love a sloppy mess of Chinese chow too; even the next day, those little white take-out boxes keep it sweet enough in the dumpster if the rats don’t get in first. White still good for somethin’.

Speaker 2: (laughs) That’s what I tell all those college girls who come here wanting to give me some shit-blankets or help wanted ads for dish washers, standing about ten feet downwind so I don’t grab their little bubbies. How about some Chinese takeout, Sweetmeat. That’s what I say.

Speaker 1: Yeh. Bet you get a lot of stink eye. You the wrong kind of homeless or something. Fuckin white guy, no one feel sorry for your sorry ass anymore.

Speaker 2: So, what’s your wise-ass advice for the college girls of the world?

Speaker 1: I say watch Tucker Carlson on Fox and get a fuckin education. Man is an angry red-faced son a bitch for sure but knows his shit cold. Talks to Putin, see. Knows everything. All the shitty little secrets. Even the NSA guys talking to him under the sheets.

Speaker 2: And you know cause you’re a Russian spy under all that fake street dirt, man-funk.

Speaker 1: The spooks always listening, I tell ‘em. Whisperin’ like Biden doin’ his press conference shtick. Stick my neck way out, give ‘em the big bug eyes.

Speaker 2: Bet your raggedy ass they’re listening.

Speaker 1: Little college girls look sick. So I say, you don’t wanna be here when the man comes. They drop me a few bucks, most times, run off. Nuff for a tallboy.

Speaker 2: Wouldn’t have it any other way. Fuck all that income equality shit. Who’s happier right now? Me or Tucker Carlson?

Speaker 1: Or those NSA assholes sitting in cubbies, head-phones on all day, goin’ bat-shit crazy. Tiny dicks. Turn in they own mother for a paycheck.

Speaker 2: At least we know the NSA’s not listenin’ to this crazy-ass shit.

Speaker 1: Fuckin dopes and a waste of tape if they is. Now why the fuck hasn’t Putin come back on my last message? Come 'n get me MOFOs.

Speaker 2: (laughs)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more