Spoof Writer, 90, Dumped Twice by Same Girl 65 Years Apart

Funny story written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Friday, 28 May 2021

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Oh Mylvia. It didn't have to be this way.

Of all the girls I dated - lots in my time, which includes now - I'd only been dumped once before. I usually did the dumping. But this time, at 90, I got the full--blown treatment. Right down to having my email BLOCKED! Me! A recognized contributor to The Spoof. Who once was nominated for a Pulitzer - [but not for something posted on The Spoof.]

I'll protect the girl's privacy by not using her real name. Let's call her "Mylvia" - rhymes with Sylvia. I once knew a girl by that name, but she would never have treated me this way, so no one will think this is about her.

This "Mylvia," however, is something else. When I knew her in the mid-1950s she was kind, gentle,loving,friendly - and any other positive qualities you can think of. We had lots of dates - square dancing, a ball game, a play by a Broadway touring company, amusement park, dinner, movie, beach - you name it and we probably were there too. That went on for two ears, whenever I was in Southern California.

That was part of the problem. I was at Berkeley and she was at USC. We first met when a group of Trojan kids drove north to Berkeley for the USC football game with Cal. All the other girls in her group had a male companion. When they were ready to go to 'Frisco on the evening after the game, they picked me, whom some of them knew, for her date. That was the first, and only, blind date in my life.

And the evening was spectacular. First there was this unbelievably gorgeous girl I was paired with. I must confess that after 67 years I can't recall the color of her hair or eyes, Doesn't matter, She was gorgeous. And here she was with this geek who was in over his head with a girl who looked like that. No matter. She made me feel at ease with her conversation. in the course of our discussion, I learned that she was 19, with a birthday a few days away. I was 24, back at Cal after my draft service in the marine corps. Age didn't seem to matter.

What a night! Mort Sahl at the Hungry I, the premier night spot in 'Frisco. Folk singer Stanley Wilson at the Purple Onion, the Hungry I's rival. I can still hear him singing Tom Lehrer's "Rickety Tickety Tin." about the girl who killed all members of her family, one by one, including her brother - and all that was found of him were "occasional pieces of skin, Rickety Tickety Tin." Mylvia was in stitches laughing!

The evening ended at a dive on Mission street, Why we went there I have no idea, but Mylvia and I went to the back wall where other kids had written their names, and she wrote her name close to mine. [Years later I returned to the dive, but the wall had been re-painted.] As we were writing, a guy near us broke a bottle and started to attack someone, Pushing Mylvia ahead of me,we quickly exited, as did our friends and we made our way back to Berkeley.

After two years of sporadic dating I was ready to ask her to marry me, and invited her to my home for dinner to meet my parents. She declined. She knew what was up, and she wasn't ready for it. I was crushed, but I had dumped other girls before, and that was part of the game. I knew the rules. We never met again. or communicated...until this week.

I had been without a significant other for nearly a year because my 80something girlfriend died, and I was lonely. So I decided to re-connect, if I could, with Mylvia. After all, we had parted amicably. She married, and I discovered her husband had died many years ago, about the same time my wife of 50 years passed on. So, why not email Mylvia?

Why not? Because, I discovered,she wasn't interested. But I didn't learn that directly from her. It was pretty indirect but very accurate.

Finding her email address was hard, but a mutual friend gave it to me. So, now, what do I write? There was no question that she would remember me. But how to overcome that breakup so long ago? And what's the point of the reunion?

I used the "we've both lost our spouses" approach, suggesting we write to each other about our kids - I knew about her kids from the internet and we both had fabulous offspring. We could write about our spouses, where we lived over the past decades, where we lived now, our work - lots of stuff to fill up numerous emails.

I sent it off. No response. Was the email address right? I called one of her sons who said he never heard his Mom talk about me, but he would see if Mylvia wanted to communicate with me, That was early one morning. By 9 p m there had been no response. I assumed Mylvia's answer was "No,"

There is a sad Rod McKuen song, a farewell lyric sung by Glenn Yarbrough, which was appropriate for this occasion. "Hello's The Word Before Goodbye." I penned a short note, quoting the song's title - I was pretty sure she had heard the song sometime. I began with a simple "Hello." Told her I assumed she didn't want to exchange email, and said I wouldn't write again. The email ended with a simple "Goodbye." I hit send.

As I rose to leave the computer, there was a tone that indicated an incoming email. I went to the inbox, and there it was. A Microsoft message indicating my message had been BLOCKED. I doubt that Mylvia knew how to block an email, and suppose her son had done it for her,

I had now been dumped twice by the same girl, 65 years apart! Is that a Guinness record? At 90 - next month I turn 91 - it's not likely to happen again - unless Isabela, having heard how Mylvia did it, decides to cut me off too. But I won't tell her this happened, and she's too intellectual to read this on The Spoof. Thus, I almost made it through life with only one dump. Now I know how Carol and Nancy felt, when I dumped them rather crudely so long ago.

Now, if you happen to know who Mylvia really is, don't tell her this is on the Internet. She might sue, and my lawyer son only handles creditors in big corporate bankruptcies... and would bill me at $1850 an hour. What The Spoof pays for posts like this one would hardly get him in the door.

But if there is an elderly female out there - do elderly females read The Spoof? - who's looking for an email companion, get in touch with me via The Spoof. Better yet, email me directly at reshaffer@cpp.edu. I promise you I won't block your messages!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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