Experience: I fathered two of Boris Johnson's children

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Tuesday, 8 December 2020

image for Experience: I fathered two of Boris Johnson's children
"Theodore, did your mother really say these two are your brothers?"

That arse Johnson is supposedly a serial shagger, but I gave him a dose of his own medicine.

It was several years ago, and it went on for a while. Bozo's wife was mightily pissed off at his never-ending peccadillos, and she wanted to get her own back. I was working at Conservative Central Office, and Mrs Johnson had come across me now and again, and it seems I caught her eye. She would call me to ask if I knew where her errant husband was, and invariably I didn't. Well, actually, I did sometimes know he was out knobbing some naive young intern, but that wasn't for me to say.

Then, one evening, she rang and said the kids were in bed and it was the au pair's night off, so would I like to keep her company while Johnson was off at his IT lesson with his "blonde American whore"?

I was a bit taken aback at the language, but a lady in distress is a lady in need, and I liked the idea of being her knight in shining armour, so I took a taxi to the Johnson household, where I found Mrs J slightly the worse for wear for drink, and in a state of near undress waiting for me.

Well, I have to say that Mrs J dragged me, not unwillingly, to the marital bed where I spent a couple of hours happily inseminating her as she instructed me "no condoms, thank you." I made a quick getaway before he came back, of course, and I was summoned again for the next few weeks.

Mrs J gave me the pet name "Hardwick", which amused her, and then, one day, she called to say she was pregnant and it had to be mine as Johnson had been shagging some "skinny, horse-faced bitch", and he could only manage it with her on the odd occasion unlike me, her stallion. So, a while later, she bore me a son, not that Johnson realised, and we started our affair again. She really wanted her revenge.

So, I impregnated Mrs J all over again, and now it makes me laugh that Johnson is paying maintenance for my kids, thinking they are his. I just hope he doesn't ask for a paternity test.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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