Obituary: Sean Connery Discovers You Only Live Once

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 3 November 2020

image for Obituary: Sean Connery Discovers You Only Live Once
It's no secret that you only live once

Sean Connery, the actor who died at the weekend, having had a long and successful career 'tramping the boards' - not least in the James Bond movies - has finally found that, contrary to popular belief, you only live once.

Connery died on Saturday, aged 90 years old, having suffered recently from dementia. He starred as 007 in seven Bond films, including the blockbuster,
'You Only Live Twice'.

This was extremely optimistic, and the weekend's events proved this.

Born and raised in Fountainbridge, Edinburgh, Connery had a difficult childhood, frequently having to exist on a diet of chips and gravel. He developed quite a liking for this, and eventually became a gravel chef.

Showing a youthful flair for football, he was offered a lucrative contract with Matt Busby's Manchester United, but turned it down, saying in an interview years later:

"I fucking hated them. Anybody else, but not the Urinals!"

Of course, we now know Connery made the right decision choosing acting over football. He went on to establish himself as a household name, was desired by women worldwide, starred in almost 70 movies, and earned a bob or two whilst doing so, instead of turning out week-in, week-out in muddy conditions on cold, wet Tuesday nights in Bournemouth and Carlisle, for the team hated most in all of world football.

As well as his Bond appearances, Connery also starred in films such as 'Marnie', 'The Untouchables', 'The Name of the Rose', 'Russia House', and 'Mike Hunt's Red In October'.

RIP, Sir Sean.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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