The Middle Class Guide to the School Run

Funny story written by cadders

Friday, 11 September 2020

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Not got a Nanny for your mutant offspring? Here's a handy guide

Now that schools have reopened after our long lockdown, it appears that a growing number of parents have simply forgotten basic manners or, in some cases, what a car is.

Here's a simple guide

Where

Park your ugly planet-killing 4x4 wherever you bloody want. Your hideous mutant spawn are far too precious to walk more than 20 feet without being pounced on by a plague-bearing paedophile. Use the school playing field, the middle of the road, or, even better, on top of a lollypop lady. Remember: double yellow lines don't apply to you.

When

Whenever you damn well feel like it. Got an appointment at the gym with that hunky instructor at 11? Don't worry, as the school will easily make arrangements for your gruesome offspring to be taught remedial maths at bedtime. It's not like teachers have proper jobs is it?

How

For mums, it can be a real pain to drop your hateful mistakes off. You need to spend three hours in the bathroom applying makeup and slipping into that slinky black number, in case the dishy geography teacher notices you. Always remember to down a litre of gin before setting off, and don't forget to sharpen those claws in case another yummy mummy dares to steal your parking spot. Then just jump into hubby's Range Rover before setting off like a complete mentalist

For dads it's actually quite simple. Wake up an hour late with a screaming hangover from last night's dinner party. Hurl yourself and the screaming hungry feral things into your BMW, and set off at warp factor 9. Alternatively, just get the nanny to do it for you. After all your time as a BBC Inclusiveness Consultant is valuable - that ethnic Hungarian midget porn won't watch itself.

Why

Because you are more important than anyone else. Your children, other parents, other road users, even ambulances, know they take second place to you. As a middle class parent, you can drive however you like and park wherever you want. Nothing in life is more important than you. Always remember that speed limits, red lights and parking restrictions only apply to poor people.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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