History For Children #2: Adolf Hitler

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 9 February 2021

image for History For Children #2: Adolf Hitler
All that is left of Adolf Hitler today

Once upon a time, there was a little boy called Adolf, who lived in a cold, snowy country called Austria. From a humble beginning, Adolf grew up to be a famous man, who everybody knew about. This is his story.

Adolf lived in a town called Linz. He hated school. The other students listened to the teacher and did what the teacher told them to do, but Adolf folded his arms, put his bottom lip out, and planned something sinister for the teacher in the future.

Adolf also hated some of the other children in his class. One that he hated was called Ludwig Wittgenstein. Ludwig liked to think a lot.

One day, Adolf's teacher was asking the students about what they would like to do when they left school and went to work. Some said doctors, some said soldiers, some said nurses, some said hairdressers, one said a policeman. Adolf said he wanted to be a painter, or, failing that, a 'tyrannical despot'.

The teacher looked at him for a long time.

When it was time to leave school, Adolf left school, left home, and left Linz. He went to a big city called Vienna. It meant nothing to Midge Ure. In Vienna, Adolf became a down-and-out, and unhappy about everything.

Also, he was a terrible painter.

He decided to become a despot.

In those days, there were no colleges or universities that held courses in despotism, so he had to teach himself. He went to Germany to get some tips.

Whilst he was in Germany, a big war broke out, and Adolf became a soldier. After it had finished, he was angry and frustrated. He was angry with the Jewish people.

He was going to teach them a lesson!

Adolf met some other men, and they became friends. They were all very angry, and went about the place wearing frowns, and glaring at people. They made a gang, and the gang grew very big.

One day, Adolf was thrown in prison. Inside the prison, he had an idea for a book, and got another man to write it as he shouted out the words.

Later, when it was finished, lots of people read it, but it was a difficult read.

When Adolf got out of the prison, he decided to take over Germany. With the help of his gang, he told everybody he would make things better, and they believed him.

When he became the leader of Germany, he designed lots of nice clothes for his gang to wear, and they built lots of beautiful buildings to match their fairytale ideas. They even made a building in a mountain, and another one under the ground in Berlin.

Also, they invented stories about Germany's mythical past.

Adolf never seemed happy, and it was no surprise to his gang when he decided to invade Austria. He told the army to invade, and they did. Next, he invaded Czechoslovakia. Then, it was on to Poland! Now, he was having fun!

But the other countries started to get worried. They thought he was going to invade their countries, and make them all speak German, and abolish laughing.

The other countries decided to fight back. Adolf didn't like that. He became very, very angry. He was angry every day. In fact, he was furious!

He was the 'furious Fuehrer'.

Things didn't go well for Adolf. He wanted Russia to give some of its countryside to Germany, but Russia didn't want to do that. They had a fight. At first, Germany was winning, but then it lost.

The Russian soldiers, English soldiers, American soldiers, and other token soldiers all ganged-up against Germany, and beat the shit out if it.

Adolf knew his enemies were going to get him, so he killed himself. Then he got some of his gang to pour paraffin on his body, and set fire to it, so that it burnt him down to a tiny little cinder of evil.

Then they put it somewhere very, very safe.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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