Not The Answer

Funny story written by Rob Barratt

Thursday, 9 July 2020

image for Not The Answer
How to avoid answering a question

Thanks, Nick.

First, I’d like to say that we made this clear in our manifesto. Quite clear. In fact, so clear, you can see right through it. We said that we would look into the situation, from our point of view, and roll out a number of initiatives, going forward, to evaluate the efficacy of the possibilities and then probably put them on the back-burner and forget all about them.

We did this so that our party could unite this great nation with soundbites and alliterative catchphrases to make everything sound as though we were in control. Your negative and rather unhelpful factual questions do not demonstrate constructive support for your elected government. It is clear that we are succeeding at making everything sound as though it’s all wonderful, which, of course, it is.

I will now talk a little louder, and it is important for me to take this opportunity not to leave gaps, so that you could jump in with any justified criticism, and I will just talk over you without stopping to breathe.

As you know Nick, last week, on this show, a spokesperson from the Department for Obfuscation explained to you that we are conducting an internal and completely unbiased inquiry into the spurious allegations that we have stopped answering questions, and are no longer accepting responsibility for anything that we do.

Throughout this crisis, we have initiated world-beating initiatives which, as we have all seen, have beaten the world, without losing anything, apart from our credibility. We have given you all the statistics that we wanted to give you, when we wanted to give them to you, and we have followed the science and the popularity polls so that we could be safe.

In response to the allegations that we have not dealt with important issues, we spent an extra £9 billion on schools, and £11 billion on hospitals. We think these are impressive figures, because they have really big numbers in them that nobody really understands. In addition, we have put £6 million trillion into small businesses, £two hundred three and eighty-half billion into jobs, £6 million into my offshore account on the Cayman Islands, and £5 into social care. Sorry, not social care, of course, because we have a special plan for social care which the Prime Minister will reveal in due course, at a later date, which may never come.

So, to sum up, Nick, I’m glad that I have been able to make our position absolutely clear. I understand that you have another question for me.

Will we ever admit to anything being our fault?

Of course not.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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