More Letters To The Editor About Coronavirus

Written by Erskin Quint

Monday, 13 April 2020

image for More Letters To The Editor About Coronavirus
The Narwhaleans achieve serenity by contemplating the noble narwhal in his mysterious domain: the Arctic, yesterday

Dear Sir,

I want to say how much I deploy the criqttkcet's of Donald Trump in this cronerviral 19. Who else would have handied it quiet like him? Who elss has his karismer to stand there and face the muzak like he?

For instant'e, they ata-c'k him when he says that the virals will disappere like magice in the sunshine's of April. Excuse me, but what's wrong with been postife. Our expats are all glume and dume.

And they say he say they say that the case's in the US would go from 15 to zero which he did say. Well, have they proof him wroang? Yes it's is at 28000 thousands now but it mit'e have been zeroo when he said it's, no boardy has put the figurines in to proove it they just morne.

Can theyre do better?

An'd he did shut the boder to Chiner when all the worled cryed wulfe to see a man a heroo. in hes' owne time. The criticke's sung'e liick a sadd quieere.

And he was testied and recovred when oure PM Borice got the crona 19 aftre shakin'e hans with all the viral's nurse's and docture.. and at the's pudioms shorder to soulder with the expats and the NHS Minster.

And if he wont to open up the USA for Eastre with the churshes and Rod-eos full - lissen - thats his prgorogatife prorougeat buseniss.

I fore wan knore whose on our said wen' it cumes to the flighte aganst counter-terrorisme's. Its' notte Jerry B Carbine. The numbrer's arr on our'e syde.

Whats' o're numebars anywey?

We are bringin in gove-ment meas-ares to deal wiv these counter terrorists and a counter terorism bill.

Yores

Priti Patel
Westminsistre

Dear Sir,

We live in Dark Times indeed. There is no Vim to be had anywhere. Who or what can you turn to for succour? In this regard, may I make a plea for the humble narwhal? We Narwhaleans, as we like to be called, those of us who are proud to be called "advocates of the Arctic Unicorn", know where to turn!

Yes, we turn our ravaged eyes to the study of the narwhal, where is tranquility indeed!

There is something so soothing to contemplate these peaceful monocerosususususes, sorry, monosaurs. No. That's not quite right. I mean these placid denizens of the Arctic deeps who are called monoceros due to their single "tusk". A bit like the rhinoceros, though there are no rhinocerosusses in the Arctic. Rhonoceruses. Rhinos. There is not even one rhinoceros in the Arctic. There. Determionation will lead one to the highest goals.

The reason that I make a plea for the narwhal is to urge all who are troubled and torn by the Coronavirus crisis to turn to the noble narwhal. Join we Narwhaleans. Adopt a narwhal today. You will not regret it! Mine's called Dyson because the narwhal sucks its food in like a vacuum! Yes, we know how to have fun in the Narwhaleans!

Harold Vermin
Honorary Life President
The Narwhalean Society
Broadmoor


Dear Sir,

the thing that I keep thinking of in these unprecedented times is the old adage about the Chinese standing side by side and holding hands. They used to say that if all the Chinamen in the world held hands that they would stretch around the whole world.

Well, apart from the fact that a lot of them would drown, and apart from the further fact that nobody mentions the Chinawomen (maybe they were assumed to be at home mending the bicycle and boiling up a fresh pangolin for when their man returns from spanning the globe?), apart from these facts, the whole exercise has I fear been irretrievably ruined by the Coronavirus scandal.

Yes, this harmless and healthy pursuit has, like so many, been destroyed by this invisible menace of COVID-19.

Obviously, the intrepid Chinamen couldn't hold hands around the globe AND maintain safe social distancing. So they have perforce had to disperse on their various bicycles, back to their mysterious spouses.

And the world is so much the worse for that.

It's the same as far as public executions, hoops and pin the tail on the donkey are concerned. Must all these lovely old pursuits go the way of all flesh like the Top Hat and the Passenger Pigeon?

Yours

Bruce Queerfeet
Rottingdean

Dear Sir,

many people are struggling to fill in their days during the lockdown. I have invented an hilarious new game that might help pass the time. Well, it is not completely new. It is more like a variant of an old game. I call it Pin The Tail On The Manx Cat!

Only joking!

Yours

Philleas Fogg (not that one - he had just the one 'l'!)
Dumbarton

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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