Dear Dr. Billingsgate,
Ever since I lost the election to Donald Trump, my husband has not been himself. He complains about everything; stomach problems, not being able to focus, and most troublesome of all, during sex, he cries out, "Monica, I hardly even knew ye." What do you suggest?....Hillary Clinton
Since yours is the very first letter that I will address in this new format, let me congratulate you for taking advantage of my services. Fortunately, the complexity of your problem allows me to use most, if not all, of my recently acquired degrees.
First: Regarding your husband's stomach problem. It sounds like he suffers from acute post election-gastroesophagel reflux disease. In layman's terms, he can't stomach you.
Secondly: Regarding his inability to focus. If you are describing his reaction to when he looks at you, it is quite understandable that he has a problem focusing. Even with your sexy pantsuits which you so amply fill, you are, ahem, more than an eyeful.
Third: In respect to Bubba’s haunting proclamation during sex, I assume he is suffering from (EEPCRA) Early Engagement Post Coital Release Amnesia. Thankfully, as you both grow older, this syndrome will decrease exponentially until it disappears entirely.
Dr. Billingsgate Final Response: Since it is very unusual to be able to combine my potpouri of degrees (Medical, Divinity, Animal Husbandry, Advanced Cloning, Law, Psychology, Taxidermy, Marriage Counseling and Money Laundering) into one workable solution, special emphasis was given to my degree in Taxidermy:
Simply put, tell Bubba to stuff it where the sun don’t shine, but please practice safe sex during the procedure.
Slim: “It’s not unusual for a male to talk to his penis while having sex.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Also, not unusual for it to talk back.”