Too Many People (an excerpt from Trump's Unauthorized Autobiography in His Own Best Words)

Funny story written by Chris Dahl

Sunday, 23 February 2020

image for Too Many People (an excerpt from Trump's Unauthorized Autobiography in His Own Best Words)

Too Many People
Now available on Amazon
If you're weak - which some people would like you to be - if you're really, really pathetically weak, the country's going to be overrun with millions of people.
Donald Trump

See, there are just too many people. We don’t have enough room anymore for all these people. I mean, see, everyone wants to come here. I get it. Not every place on this planet has McDonalds, Burger King and Taco Bell. No place in the world has all these beautiful golf courses and malls. No one in the universe has big, beautiful buildings and hotels like we have here in the great, old U.S. of A. I mean, really, nowhere in the world. And, trust me, I’ve been around the world. That’s why these places are always coming to me to build my really big buildings. They’re everywhere, because they need them, they really want those big things. Think about it, where else in the world can you just drive up and order a burger, fries and a diet Coke? That’s just one of the things that make this country great, which we’re gonna make great again by the way. But, really, there are enough people already. We don’t need more people. We have enough.
And these people, they’re not the kind of people we want to have coming here, you know? I mean these are bad hombres coming up here. See, this country was founded a few hundred years ago, maybe two, three hundred years ago, by really brave, really strong white guys, all of them Christian. Most people don’t know this but there was nothing here before the Christians came over here and started building stuff. Ever since then, everyone in the world has just been jealous of us, am I right? That’s why they come here, so they can take our stuff and live for free. That’s not what this country is about. No, no. This country doesn’t go around just taking stuff. We build. But now we have all these people walking, like actually walking, from these shithole countries – the Mexican countries down there – in these big caravans, like thousands of them all just lined up, walking up to the Southern Border. There’s all kinds of bad folks in those caravans, too. They have all those MS-13 gang members, ISIS infiltrates them so they can sneak in, they have kids without vaccinations –it’s really bad. They’re all Democrats and Liberals in those caravans, I hear. I mean, I hear things – a lot of things. And you know who else? The Canadians, the ones who can’t sneak in through the Northern Border, they fly down to Mexico and sneak into the caravans and make their way into the country. Yeah, everyone is always like, “Those Canadians are good people. They’re fine. They’re just like us.” But I know them, those Canadians. They’re weird. They have this stuff they call bacon, and believe me I know bacon, and it’s ham that they have up there. I mean, they call it Back Bacon, but it’s ham. And they don’t know how to speak right. I was up there with Trudeau, the prime minister, which is like their version of a president. And he wanted to say the word “house,” but he kept saying “hoose” and I was like, “What are you saying, Justin?” Then he went to say “mouse,” but he was saying “moose,” so then I was like, “So, you have a moose in your hoose, or a mouse in your house? What the hell, Justin?” So, I have no use for them. They’re out as well. I mean, they would ruin the language. What am I supposed to live in? The White Hoose? And midgets. I bet they have midgets in those caravans. I hate midgets.
And Mexico doesn’t do anything about these caravans. They just let them go right on through. I mean, don’t they get it, these Mexicans? Don’t they know it’s their Southern Border, too? One thing I do know is that a border has to have two sides, and we’re gonna take care of our side of this Southern Border but they need to take care of theirs.
But these Dems and radicals and libtards, they’re all for open borders and horrible immigration laws that will just let everyone walk right into this country. So, what I tell them is why don’t they just let them stay in their houses if these Dems really want to put everyone up. We have these states like California and the corrupt 8th circuit court with their sanctuary cities that take in all these bad hombres, undermining everything I’m trying to do here. You know what a sanctuary city is? It’s a place where these caravans can head to and stay on your taxpayer’s dime. That’s what it is. So they want more people? They wanna take everyone in? Okay, we’ll pick them up at the border, bus them right in and drop them off at these sanctuary cities. That should stop them from coming into the country.
But, yeah, we have too many people already. We don’t need more people, especially not those people in those caravans. And you know who else I bet they have in those caravans? I bet they have midgets. No, really, I bet they have midgets in there, too. Little Mexican midgets. Imagine how many of them you can smuggle in, ‘cause they’re what, like, half the size? You could pack them in a purse, maybe two or three of them. God knows how many you could shove in a suitcase. Then, when they get here, you’ll have all these little people running around. I mean, what do they do? What can they do? There are only so many side-shows, folks. They can’t hold a hammer with those little hands. They can’t lift anything with higher than, what, three, four feet high? And, by the way, they are not happy little people. Everyone thinks they are jolly little leprechauns, you know, telling stories and singing little songs and hanging out at the end of rainbows and stuff. But they’re not. They’re angry. They’re always kicking me in the shins and stuff. I mean, I guess if I was butt-high, going around smelling farts all day I’d be kinda mad, too. Then again, they might be good at picking tomatoes and stuff like that, like cotton, ‘cause they wouldn’t have to bend over like the rest of us, see? No stress on the back. But they are not, I stress not, getting a full vote. No way. I mean, it’s just not fair to normal-sized people. I mean, if these radical midgets are gonna try to sneak in the country with these caravans, then they do not deserve a full vote. And I know they don’t like me, and you know what? I don’t like them. So, first day in the White House, I’m telling everybody, half a vote.
Why can’t we have a nice caravan from nice countries like Norway? I mean they’re very fine people over there in Norway. Have you ever seen it over there? Very nice, clean country. And the nice thing is, they’re like us, like the people who created this country outta nothing, right? They have nice blond hair, nice white skin, nice blue eyes – they smile all the time. They go fishing and stuff. They’re just very nice people those Norwaynians. They should, and I told the prime minister last time he was here, he should do this, they should put together a caravan of their own and just walk on over. Them, we’d welcome with open arms. Definitely.
I mean, hey, I grew up in New York City. I know what it’s like to see a neighborhood get ruined when people you don’t like start moving into the neighborhood. Look at where I grew up in Jamaica, Queens. It’s not the same. It used to be a really nice place, but now, geez, you can’t even recognize the place. I have some really smart people on my staff who told me only 10.24% of the population is White anymore. That’s like 1 in a 100. And then he tells me, he says that 47.43% of the population is black or African American. So that’s over half the population of my neighborhood is black, right? Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against the blacks. There are some fine blacks running around out there. I mean, I even appointed one to the Housing and Urban Development post, Ben Carson. So, don’t tell me I’m racist. I guess the rest are Orientals, which is good ‘cause I never could figure how to cook like they cook, and I like that egg foo yung they make. But, yeah, anyway, we make a nice little neighborhood there in Queens, and then, once we have it all nice and whatnot, those people just decide to come in and take it over. That’s what’s happening in this country, you know? You see, we started off all wrong. We get this beautiful free gift from the French after we single-handedly won World War 1, this big beautiful statue of this pretty good-looking broad and they ruin it by putting this plaque on it. I remember we went on this field trip when I was in elementary school, which I wasn’t too enthusiastic about, but I figured, hey, it’s a day out of the classroom. Anyway, me and Stevie are standing there on the island there, right in front of the plaque and Stevie starts reading it to me. “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” After Stevie finished reading that to me, I was like, wow! After he told me what “teeming” and “huddled” and big words like “tempest-tossed” meant, I started piecing it together. I knew what “homeless” meant ‘cause it was New York City and there were plenty of those all over the place, even in Jamaica, which, back then, was really kinda nice still before the shade changed, if you know what I mean. That’s when I was shocked. “Stevie,” I says, “is this for real? I mean, do they actually want to do this? Like they just want to give all our stuff away and take in all these bums and whatnot? Why would we want the poor, and the wretched refuse? What does ‘refuse’ mean anyway?”
“Garbage,” Stevie tells me.
“Like actual garbage?” I asked him and he starts telling me all this nonsense about how it was a noun, and I think he said that meant it described a person, place or thing, and then he goes on about how it was a metaphor and that’s when he lost me, so I was just like, “Okay, Stevie, all that stuff aside, do they really expect us to take all these bad hombres from all these other countries and just hand them our stuff?”
“They call them entitlements,” Stevie tells me.
I was like, “Like the entitlement of a movie or a book?”
And he was like, “No, Donnie, as in they think they deserve it even though they didn’t work for it.”
“That ain’t right,” I says, and it’s bothered me ever since. The Statue of Liberty, she’s good looking enough, and nice and big. You know how I feel about big things. But her whole philosophy of this “wretched refuse” stuff is just all wrong. From that day, I knew I was gonna do something about that stupid idea – handing my stuff over to someone else. What I won't do is take in two hundred thousand Syrians who could be ISIS. I have been watching this migration. And I see the people. I mean, they're men. They're mostly men, and they're strong men. These are physically young, strong men. They look like prime-time soldiers. Now it's probably not true, but where are the women? So, you ask two things. Number one, why aren't they fighting for their country? And number two, I don't want these people coming over here. That’s bullshit. Our country is in serious trouble. We don't have victories any more. We used to have victories but now we don't have them. When was the last time anybody saw us beating, let's say, China, in a trade deal? They kill us. I beat China all the time. All the time.
Besides, we have enough people over here anyway, too many people. So that’s one of my main things about being president, one of the big things I’m gonna do. I’m gonna Make America Great Again, but I’m also gonna Make America Ours Again and keep those other people out. It’s just Natural.

Now available on Amazon

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more