School Is Stupid (an excerpt from Trump's Unauthorized Autobiography)

Funny story written by Chris Dahl

Friday, 21 February 2020

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School Was Pretty Stupid
“No, I’m not cutting services, but I’m cutting spending. But I may cut Department of Education.”
Available on Amazon
Trump, you know, me, from October 2015.

We need to fix our broken education system! There’s no failed policy more in need of urgent change than our government-run education monopoly. We're twenty-sixth in the world. Twenty-five countries are better than us at education. And some of them are like third-world countries. But we're becoming a third-world country.
Like I always said, school is pretty stupid. I mean, and it’s really boring too, am I right? There are some good things, you know, like the chicks and stuff, and I loved playing baseball and I really loved golf, which I’m pretty good at if I say so myself. (I just won the championship down at Mar-a-Lago last year.) So, if you look at most of the greats in this world, they didn’t even bother with school. But don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been smart enough, but it’s just that all they expect you to do is sit there at some desk and read some book about this or that, some dumb war that happened God knows how long ago, or they want you to learn Latin or something. I mean Latin? Why would I learn to speak Latin? I don’t own properties in Latin America? I don’t know any Latinos? We, uh, don’t really run in the same social circles – me and the Latinos. I do have a bunch of them working at the hotels, but I don’t have to talk to them, so why know it? Yeah, you just hire one of their own, another Latino, and he can do all the talking.
And then they have you reading all these old, stupid documents. Like The Constitution and The Declaration of Independence, what is that all about? Like who really cares what a bunch of guys did back in the day? I mean these things are old, too. I’m not exactly sure but if I hadda guess, I’d say at least the 1920’s or 1930’s. I can tell because of the way they write this stuff. Look at this one:
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion … Of course you’re supposed to respect religion. Religion is one of the most respectable things there is out there. Now you got this old document here, from like a hundred years ago, telling the president he has to respect religion. I mean, duh. Of course. See, there’s way too much government telling us what we’re supposed to do or not do – or prohibiting the free exercise thereof … see, and then everything is free. Everyone is looking for a hand out. Everyone’s looking for something for free. That’s a big problem right now, really. They call it ‘entitlements.’; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; first of all, what the hell does a bridge have to do with speech or the press for that matter? But you know we have too much free speech, I think. I mean, look at the way they talk about me all the time. Like that wise guy Ted Cruz made fun of my hands, remember that? He said my hands were small. I mean, do these look small to you, and I know what he was getting at, by the way. I know he was really talking about my pee pee. When I see that wise guy, Lyin’ Ted Cruz, I call him, I’m gonna show him how big my hands are. Anyway … or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances. That’s another thing about this old time writing. Why do they say things like “redress of grievances”? No one knows what that means. I bet you could walk down the street and ask 20 people what the hell that means and not one would know. Guarantee it.
And then these over-educated libtards eggheads, yeah the teachers, they have you reading stuff like this one. This one's a doozy: No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law. I don't care what any old-time document says, no soldier of our fine military, anytime, anywhere on my watch is going to be quartered. No, no. Besides, what kind of sick hombre would quarter a soldier? That’s, like, real sick stuff, cutting a guy in fours, especially someone brave enough to fight for our country.
And this Preamble, another stupid name, needed a total gut an renovation, so that’s what I did.
Available on Amazon
I, Donald J. Trump, in order to fix this friggen' Union, establish Justice and fix this friggen' constitution ('cuz it's so old for Christ's sake. It just doesn't make sense anymore.) ('cuz this country is out of control. I mean just look at Chicago. I don't see why we all can't carry guns. I mean, if a driver's license is good enough for every state, why isn't a gun permit? That would establish justice, swift and speedy justice at that, you know? Boom, boom, case over and done, but no, these Liberals wouldn't have that), insure not-domestic but my own friggen' Tranquility (cuz these liberals are driving me nuts!), provide for the un-common defense (Donald J. Trump don't do anything common, no, no. Look at my towers, look at my women, and look at my golf courses. Do they look common? Hell no. If I'm gonna do anything, it's gonna be great, huge! And de-fense, how about de-wall. That's what we're gonna see, de-wall not de-fence.), promote the general Welfare, (This gets cut right out. It's stupid. I have nothing against a brave general who served his country, as long as he's not a loser who got captured like that loser, John McCain. And the other thing, this Welfare gravy train is gonna end really soon, and while I'm in office, I won't be handing out welfare checks to all these free-loaders, so, yeah, that comes out -- the whole thing) and secure the Blessings of Liberty (we need to change this one. 'Blessings' sounds too soft, like I'm on my knees, begging for something. That's not how you win a deal, no, no. Change it to Security, or 'back-bone' something like that. It's more manly and definitely not un-manly, you know?) for ourselves and our Posterity (this comes out, too. Posterity has nothing to do with anything. I mean, I have great posterity, some of the best posterity in this country, look at how those shoulders are thrown back, and my back is straight. I learned that good posterity in military school while everyone else was off ruining their posterity by bending over to duck bullets and twisting themselves up in fox-holes in Vietnam. My chiropractor always says I have good posterity, but I don't see why that has to be in the constitution, so it's fired, out, done) , do re-ordain and re-establish this Constitution for the sake of making the United States of America great again.
See, we can't have new thinking and old ideas. I can't do what I gotta do if I have this thing holding me back all the time. See? How can I do all the stuff I said I was gonna do if my hands are tied? I mean that's what happened in Vietnam. They sent all these soldiers in and then gave them rules - their hands were tied, so America walks out of there with a tie, at best. Some people say we lost that war. See the Geneva Convention - that's gonna be very different as soon as I take office. You watch on my first day, bingo-bongo, it's gonna be gone-o. What kind of civilized people actually fight a war with rules, am I right? I mean, really. That's stupid.
That’s just like this one in The Constitution. How can we be safe with this nonsense going on: The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. Can you believe it? How can these fine police officers we have all over this country, how are they supposed to keep things in order if they’re always caught up in all these rules and regulations? How are we supposed to know what’s going on if the citizens have all these stupid rights and stuff? That’s why we have all this chaos. Some illegal has a bunch of drugs and guns in his apartment and what can the cops do? Nothing. It’s backwards. They have to wait until the illegals start shooting up the neighborhood and invading all the decent neighborhoods where decent, hard-working people live. This whole thing needs a re-write. Hey, I’ve renovated a whole lot of buildings in my day. I know how to clean up a mess, and this thing is a mess, but, don’t worry, I’ll clean it up.
People need to realize that things change. Like, get over it. What are you gonna do? Am I right? I mean, things change, you know? Even The Bible changed, you know? They had the Old Testament, which worked for a while, and then all of a sudden they look around they're like, 'Hey, we need something new', so they take the Old Testament and they're like, 'Let's write a new one' - boom, the New Testament, which I think is one of the better sequels ever written. You know, by the way, it's not easy to follow up a blockbuster like The Bible. Every once in a while you get lucky with a Godfather 2, or Rocky 2, but not very often, right? Yeah, but they really nailed it with that New Testament. I have my writers working on the sequel to the Constitution right now. I like to be involved, so I got the ball rolling with the Preamble, and then I brought in the writers, my boys from The Apprentice. They really know how to punch up some dialogue, so I think you'll be happier with the sequel than this old moth-eaten thing.
Basically, that’s why schools are stupid. That’s what they call an education, right? It’s not an education. It’s brainwashing. They don’t teach people useful stuff like how you can make a few million a year and shelter all of it, you know a little off-shore, a little in charities, there’s all types of ways to avoid taxes, but they don’t teach you that stuff in school. They teach about socialism, you know, where all the rich people who’ve worked real hard to make a lot of money have to give it to bums who don’t know how to make a dime, those people who don’t have two nickels to rub together and suddenly they want a hand out. They teach you about communism. Pfft. Never works. Fruity poems about walls and paths in the woods. Remember that stupid poem? I never once, not once, bought a condo with a poem. Most of them are gays anyway, I heard. And who really needs math? It’s just like Latin, see? You, yourself, don’t really need it. Just hire a nice Jewish accountant and you’ll never have to count a day in your life. Those people love money, handling it, counting it, balancing books, everything like that.
And science? Waste of time. Never used it once in my life. All I get is guff from those science nerds, especially the ones at the EPA and all the zoning boards. They want this environmental impact report, that form has to be filled out and filled with so-and-so down at city hall, and for what? So some socialist with a degree can tell you that you gotta add a half a million to your renovation budget so the river is protected – ridiculous. We’re gonna take care of that. Don’t you worry.
And how about this supposedly “supermassive” black hole these so-called scientists found. Of course, it was the biggest black hole ever, ‘cause, well, everything I do is the biggest. But seriously, I don’t get it get it. They say they took a picture of a hole, like a black hole nonetheless, am I right? That’s what I don’t get. You can’t see a hole. It’s just not there. Like, you can’t take a picture of air. I realized this at the donut shop the other day when I was having a few donuts. I was looking at the hole in the middle and I was like, ‘I can’t see anything!’ So, how can you take a picture of something you can’t see, like a black hole? Am I right? Then I got really confused ‘cause then I got what they called donut holes, the part from the middle, and I could actually see that. I took my phone out and took a picture of it. Guess what? It worked! So, I think those scientists got it wrong just like they’re wrong about global warming. And it’s black. How can you take a picture of something that’s black out there in space? Have you ever seen space? I have. I’ve seen it up close and personal with some very smart people and it’s really dark, like totally black. So, I don’t know. I mean, if they got a picture of a white hole, which would make sense, right? So I talked to this scientist I keep around, I keep the best scientists around, and he said that you can tell the black hole is there by, how’d he put it, I mean excuse me ‘cause I don’t really speak egghead, but he said, it can be ‘inferred from interaction’ with other stuff. So I was like, “Yeah like the donut hole. I could take a picture of that, but I couldn’t see the actual hole in the donut, right?” Makes sense. But you’re still taking a picture of the donut hole and not the hole in the donut, right? You gotta admit that.
See what they teach you in those stupid schools? See what these eggheads radicals believe in? Science – what is that anyway? I mean, it’s so stupid. They have this idea that you can actually take energy from light, from the sun. They call it “solar” energy for some reason, even though it comes from the sun, so it should be called “sun” energy, am I right? Jeez, they’re so dumb. Think about how dumb that is really. How do you actually capture light? Have you ever tried to grab light? It’s impossible. I tried it just the other day. I went outside on the lawn there, of the White House, and the sun was out there shining so I tried to grab some, ‘cause I figured, “Hey if it saves a few bucks why not?” And, you know what? I couldn’t. Then I went inside and Don jr. is in there and he was like, “Where you been all morning, dad?” I told him I was trying to figure out this sun energy thing, you know, I told him I couldn’t catch any, which shocked me ‘cause I was a really good athlete in my day. That’s when he brought up a really good point. He says, “Dad, sun energy can’t be real.” I asked him why, and he told me that it doesn’t make sense ‘cause you’d only have energy like half the day, for like maybe 11 hours, you know, when the sun is out. What are you gonna do at night time? Can’t charge your phone. No TV. No microwave. Everything shuts down. No light, no power, right? And, think about it, what are you gonna do if you live in a place like Alaska? You’re up there, from what I heard, without daylight for 6 months. Up there, you only have power like half the year. Real smart, right. These eggheads, jeez. They call water power “hydro” power too. But if you live in Arizona, you’re screwed. You see? They don’t have any water. It’s all just dirt and sand and stuff. They might do okay with sun energy, though.
Then these tree hugging hippies are like, “Well, we can save the earth by using wind power, big wind mills.” First of all, is it really my job to save the earth? I’m the president of the U.S. of A, not the world. I’m here to make America great again, not those other places. But anyway, I was talking to some people the other day and they told something very interesting. They were like, “These windmill farms. They make this noise, this humming noise, and they say it causes cancer.” So, like, do you want cancer? Besides, I was thinking about this one the other day and it’s just like the sun. What happens when the wind stops blowing? You got nothing. And when they are blowing, those blades on those fans, they’re dangerous. If you wanna see a bunch of dead birds, like bald eagles and stuff, just go by one of those wind mills. You’ll see bunches of them, all dead right there on the ground. So, you tell me, right or wrong? These things are good for the environment? I mean, birds were part of the environment last time I checked. Or did the Dems suddenly do some scientific study and now birds are no longer part of the environment? Apparently, you can do anything you want with science. Science, see, isn’t really facts.
And education isn’t really education. It’s just dumb. Let’s look at the facts. Right now, nine of ten children attend public schools. If you look at public education as a business—and with nearly $300 billion spent each year on K-through-twelve education, it’s a very big business indeed—it would set off every antitrust alarm bell at the Department of Justice and the Federal Trade Commission. When teachers’ unions say even the most minuscule program allowing school choice is a mortal threat, they’re saying: If we aren’t allowed to keep 90% of the market, we can’t survive. When Bell Telephone had 90% of the market, a federal judge broke it up. That’s why we gotta get rid of education. Our schools aren’t safe, which is bad enough. On top of that, our kids aren’t learning. Too many are dropping out of school and into the street life—and too many of those who do graduate are getting diplomas that have been devalued into “certificates of attendance” by a dumbed-down curriculum that asks little of teachers and less of students. Schools are crime-ridden and they don’t teach. Education reformers calls this school choice, charter schools, vouchers, even opportunity scholarships. I call it competition—the American Way.
No, I don’t plan on cutting services, but I’m cutting spending. But I may cut the Department of Education. As president, I will establish the national goal of providing school choice to every American child living in poverty. If we can put a man on the moon, dig out the Panama Canal and win two world wars, then I have no doubt that we as a nation can provide school choice to every disadvantaged child in America. How are we gonna do it? Easy. Betsy Devos. I know, I know, everyone is like she doesn’t have the degree in Education, she’s never been a teacher, she’s never been in a public school, she’s never even taken out a school loan – so how’s she qualified, everybody asks? Actually, she’s perfect for the job. Why would you put someone qualified in that position? You only do that when you want that department to do good. We don’t want that. We actually want it to kinda die off, so we just fill it up with incompetence. If you want to get somewhere safely, you hire a pro driver as your chauffeur. If you want to wreck everything in your way, hire a blind retard and hand him the keys. So that’s the plan. She’ll have that place falling apart in no time. You watch. See, it should all be part of the Natural Order that Stevie was always talking about. The thing with the Natural Order is, the way I see it anyway, is that when something’s out of order then it tends to just king of die off, you know? And this “education” system is not Natural.
Available on Amazon (Trump's Unauthorized Autobiography)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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