Ask Dr. Billingsgate: He Knows All, Sees All, Tells All

Written by Dr. Billingsgate

Tuesday, 17 December 2019

image for Ask Dr. Billingsgate: He Knows All, Sees All, Tells All
Dr. Billingsgate, I presume

BILLINGSGATE POST: Dr. Billingsgate takes questions from vitally-concerned non-entities who wish to take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to probe the innards of the good doctor’s inner-self:

Dear Dr. B: You have been very critical of me. Why do you hate me? I pray for you every day...Nancy Pelosi

Dear Nancy: Like you, I was brought up in a Catholic family, and was taught to never hate anyone. If I were ever offended by someone, I would light a candle for them. But once it burnt out, I would hate them because they deserved it.

Dear Dr. B: Why does the Trump Runner always have to win? And why does the anvil always land on my head? It’s not fair...Schift E Coyote

Dear Schift E: The ACME Anvil Corporation has posted a dividend for over 50 years. I suggest you buy their stock and stop bitching.

Dear Dr. B: I don’t mind that Comey and Mueller snuck into my private memorabilia closet and borrowed my feather boas and high heel pumps. But why do you make fun of them for dressing up? I thought they looked classy...J Edgar Hoover

Dear Mr. Hoover: You must have missed the picture of James Comey wearing your pink ruffled tulle with satin shrugs. My God! He is 6 feet 7 inches tall. You were short and fat. The satin shrugs barely covered his privates.

Dear Dr. B: Why do you always include inane comments from Slim and Dirty in your stories? What about me?...Quasimodo

Dear Quasimodo: I had a hunch you would feel left out. Keep the bells ringing. I will try to back you in from time to time.

Dear Dr. B: Sis-Boom-Bah?...Carnak The Magnificent

Dear Carnac: Only a mystic could divine the question to that answer: What does a sheep sound like when it explodes?

Dear Dr. B: You received nearly 10,000 hits on one of your stories featuring Manchester United defenseman, Harry Maguire. Who would have guessed?...Monkey Woods

Dear Monkey Woods: I believe there was Divine Intervention.

Slim: “What an amazing mind.”

Dirty: “Yo, Dude. I question that.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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