Impeachment hearings involving claims that Donald Trump asked Ukraine President, Wolodymyr Selenskyj, to have Joe Biden's son, Hunter, investigated in return for favors from the US including weapons, have been thwarted by organic polymers of high molecular mass. Yep: plastic surgery!
Republicans insist that Speaker of the House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi, is not Nancy Pelosi. "She's a fake", said Republican Jed Shaw. "That ain't her! She's at least 2 chins missin', man, and her nose is not what it was 20 years ago. Truly, not the same person. A fake!!!"
Pelosi admitted to undergoing extensive dermabrasion and eyelid surgery, meaning she can't actually close her eyes anymore, but insisted she was indeed Nancy Pelosi. "Who the hell else should I be?!" she asked enigmatically.
Her husband, Paul Pelosi, confirmed her story. He, himself, revealed a failed recent facelift. His mouth is now just above the nose while ear surgery has landed his left lobe on his forehead. "It may look strange, but I sure can hear better..."
Biden himself subjected his body to tummy tuck liposuction prior to entering the Presidential candidate trail. "All swell," he claimed, though his wife disclosed his belly button was now to be found on the left groin.
"It's becoming the Horror House of Representatives" said a secretary. "They all have shiny faces, perfect teeth, flat stomachs. It's like walking through a Vogue magazine. Several staff have been released from enquiry duties 'cos they can't say the word 'impeach' without their skin cracking or their teeth falling apart."
"Sign of the times," explained Nancy Pelosi. "But we're gonna get through this. I'm off this afternoon for breast augmentation. That'll give me the extra weight I need. I have to appear dominating."
Meanwhile back at the White House, Trump rearranged his hairpiece, and smiled. "Stupid narcissists...." he mumbled.