Propane-Driven Vape Pens Kill Three in Amish County

Written by P.J. Maggitti

Saturday, 26 October 2019

image for Propane-Driven Vape Pens Kill Three in Amish County
The Amish joke that the 'Pro' in iPad 10 Pro stands for "propane."

Bird in Hand, PA—News of the deaths of three unrelated Amish youths—Jacob Stolzfus, 18, Lucas Stolzfus, 19, and Cyrus Martin, 21—has exploded like after-market vape pens in this quaintly-named Amish community. The youth, who were all employed in the kitchen at Miller's Family Style Smorgasbord, died after the vape pens they had jury rigged to allow them to smoke marijuana concentrate exploded without warning.

"Everybody knows the Amish won't use electricity of any sort, even batteries, because that makes them too dependent on the outside 'English' world," said Lancaster County sheriff, Julius Etters. "What people don't realize is the lengths to which the Amish will go to replace electricity in their appliances."

Indeed, retrofitting a battery of devices from washing machines to dildos so that they run on propane instead of electricity is a booming enterprise in Amish communities, according to the Center for Amish Studies at Millersville University. The deceased youths are believed to have attached Coleman One Pound propane canisters to cartridges filled with THC distillate.

Although the victims were the first vape pen deaths reported in the Bird in Hand community, these were not the first of the Gentle People to come to grief over propane. Last summer, two Amish brothers Karl and Lukas Stoltzfus (not their real names) were injured when their propane-fitted iPad 10 Pro exploded as they were playing World of Warcraft, sending both men to the emergency room.

"There's a joke in the Amish community," said Sheriff Etters, "that the 'Pro' in iPad 10 Pro stands for 'propane.'"

Apple refused to cover the costs of the Stoltzfus brothers' maxillary reconstructions, because retrofitting any Apple product with propane voids that product's warranty.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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