We Might as Well be Walking on the Sun

Written by C/L

Friday, 3 May 2019

image for We Might as Well be Walking on the Sun

Many of us are already well aware that sanctions against the Putin regime have inconvenienced Vladimir Putin and his oligarchy.

Oleg Deripaska was given a free ride from the U.S. Senate with regards to the sanctions against him. But Putin realizes that the gaping hole placed in Deripaska's sanctions isn't large enough to pull the fistful of laundered money he requires through it. To benefit Putin and the rest of his criminal regime, something far more conniving and slippery has to be attempted.

Vladimir Putin has successfully ordered his employee, Donald Trump, to create the first joint Russo-American-manned space mission to the surface of the sun. It is interesting to note that the mission will be completely funded with money stolen from the U.S. defense budget. It is also interesting to note that the amount of money that Putin and his cronies stand to make on a possible future Arctic drilling deal that is set with a major energy corporation, is 500 billion dollars.

In a recent interview with Creationist Cosmology News, Trump broadly outlined some of the details of the future mission.

CCN: So Russia and America will be sending a joint manned mission to the surface of the sun. How much will it cost?

DT: Oh President Putin quoted me around 500 billion dollars.

CCN: Isn't that impossible to do? Won't the mission be incinerated before it gets there?

DT: No, we are going to land on the sun when it goes out after sunset.

CCN: When will the mission land on the sun?

DT: Next winter when it's very cold and beautiful out. Maybe Christmas Eve, who knows?

CCN: The mission will be ready by next winter?!

DT: President Putin told me that the Russian Space Agency will have everything built and ready to go by this fall.

CCN: Isn't the sun too far away to reach by next Christmas?

DT: Putin told me that the sun is not very far away. He said it's just a little bit further away from the moon. It will take about the same amount of time as the moon mission.

CCN: Can you explain how it is that the sun is extinguished after sunset?

DT: As Putin explained it to me, when the sun goes over the horizon it goes out, and we know that because it's night time.

CCN: So when the sun has gone out, how will the astronauts proceed?

DT: They'll peek out from behind the dark side of the moon, and make sure that it's off. Once they are certain of it, they'll land on the giant black coal surface.

CCN: Won't the surface of the sun be too hot to walk around upon?

DT: No, the astronauts will be wearing special silicone space suits to protect them from the heat, like using an oven mitt when you grab a cookie sheet out of the oven. Their suits will be packed with beautiful ice cubes to keep them nice and cool.

CCN: You mentioned coal, do you think the surface of the sun is made of coal?

DT: Of course it is! That's how it's able to burn so hot and so very strong!

CCN: How will the mission benefit humanity?

DT: Well, like President Putin told me, we'll be able to strip mine the coal from the surface of the sun and send it back to the earth. The earth is going to run out of coal someday, and the surface of the sun is totally made of coal, so we're all set!

CCN: So have you been told by President Putin how the Russian Space Agency will achieve this daunting feat?

DT: I don't know how they are going to "don't their feet" but I do know that Putin told me that they are going to use the awesome power of CGI to achieve it.

CCN: Computer Generated Imagery?

DT: No, no, Cosmetology Grand Initiatives. It's a special Russian method for landing on the surface of the sun and getting 500 billion dollars in the process.

CCN: Well thank you, Mr. President, for talking to us, and God bless you.

DT: I didn't sneeze, but you're welcome. Anything for your friend God. Send him my best.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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