Written by William Bryan Smith

Sunday, 27 January 2019

Remember us, assholes?

Back before the Migrant Caravan, and the “rapists” and “murderers” swarming your borders (“swarming,” ha!), you numb nuts were afraid of us: Africanized Killer Bees. Remember us, now? Your worst, goddamned nightmare: bees from Africa and Brazil hooked up, and created the scariest sons-a-bitches you’ll ever cross paths with!

There was a time, not so long ago, that Americans were glued to their televisions watching the evening news to see how close we were from your borders. Tried to quarantine us…but we were too goddamned smart. We gave you the slip and headed straight for the U.S. border, straight for your jobs, your women, and your economy—nah! We came for your flowers, bitches!

But now you couldn’t give two shits about us. All we hear about is the “Migrant Caravan.” Only 1100 miles away! Hide the children! They’re coming! They’re coming! Well, if you live within only a hundred miles—1-0-0—of an Africanized Killer Bees nest, we’ll sting the living shit out of you. Caravan’s not looking so close now, is it, jerk-off?

In our relatively short existence, we’ve killed over a thousand people. Did I stutter? You heard me, motherfucker! A thousand! How many people have your precious, little “Migrant Caravan” killed? What’s that? I couldn’t hear you. Could you speak up a little… Zero? Yeah, I didn’t think so. We’ll chase an asshole for over a quarter of a mile just because he looked at us the wrong way. Why only a quarter of a mile? Think we got tired or something and gave up? Let me drop some knowledge on you, son. We don’t know the meaning of tired (or unfortunately, “Danger: Pesticide”, but that’s another story). Truth is, chief, no one outruns us for more than a quarter of a mile. We’re the Canadian-motherfucking-Mounted Police of flying, stinging insects: we always get our man—or woman—we’re an E.O.S.--that’s Equal Opportunity Stinger, shithead!

You call that an invasion? Men, women, and children marching slowly on foot across the interior of Mexico? I’ll show you an invasion, dickhead. Africanized Killer Bees are what you Einsteins call an “invasive species” because we’re “undocumented” and we wreck the shit out of your ecosystem and your wallets. Believe me, piss us off and we’ll cover you from head to toe with so many bee stings, you’ll wish the migrants were here, shit-for-brains. And another thing, we—

“Going to my happy place now…Nice Africanized Killer Bees going to their happy place…Serenity now…Focus on your breath…that’s it…nice killer bees…exhale the bad thoughts, inhale the happy thoughts…”

In case you haven’t noticed, we’ve got a bit of an anger problem. We’re working on it, okay? A little Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, a little Transcendental Meditation—herbal teas. We tried hot yoga but the yoga studio smelled too much like ass. We’ve been meaning to get our prescription of Zoloft filled. At this point, we’re about ready to start smoking again.

We were making progress, just got our visitation rights to our kids restored and Blam! You fucking assholes start this shit with the Migrant Caravan.

I’m only going tell you once, so listen good. Drop this caravan nonsense right now, or you’re going to really piss us off. Trust me, snowflake. You don’t want none of this. I’ll light your ass up with a thousand bee stings faster than you can say “fake news.” Go ahead and try me, pal…

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics



Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more