Remember us, assholes? Back before the Migrant Caravan, and the “rapists” and “murderers” swarming your borders (“swarming,” ha!), you numb nuts were afraid of us: Africanized Killer Bees. Remember us, now? Your worst, goddamned nightmare: bees f...
It was a dark and stormy night. Donald Treetrunk brought his fishing boat into the dock in the port harbor in the tiny country of Martinique. His first mate Mike Pinch gamely jumped onto the dock to tie off the boat. A portly fisherman named Rudy took out a wad of francs, and counted out the days account. "C-cccan I go to the Treetrunk Tower for a drink, boss!" stammered Pinch, "I-I-I'm startin...
Reflecting the increasingly sedentary habits of human beings, the International Olympic Committee is adding some controversial events to the Olympic games. 12 ounce curls and hot dog eating are just two of the new events the IOC is adding to the game...
LOS ANGELES - Reports coming out of Los Angeles are that a group of African Killer Bees have invaded the city. A spokesperson for the city Hugo Tippertock stated that the AKB's came in from Arizona and they have started to fight with the European...
Pacific Ocean - The hunt for CIA intelligence whistleblower Edward Snowden intensified this morning amid reports that a massive dark cloud of Africanized killer bees has been picked up by Ecuador Air Force radar scanners tailing what looks like a US...
London - "Reckon it started with bizarre alien activity in the Beehive Nebula," a North London apiarist explained this morning, "sent some hives mental just after the Solstice." News of the swarm brought dozens of firemen to the famous Camden audi...
A swarm of bees, 20 million actually, have hijacked a truck they were being carried in and it was last seen being carried over a Utah forest at 5000 feet circled by a huge black cloud. An eyewitness, Yogi Grizzly-Honeysucker, couldn't believe his...
Worcestershire - Autumn gales have battered the ancient Spa town famous for its Dead Sea-comparable salinity and carnal - er..canal! - marina developments. This morning 75mp gusts decimated the local allotment society's show gardens sending severa...
London - North London apiarists said tonight a 15,000-strong colony of hybrid African-Camden Town killer bees is on the loose and heading for an aperture in Winehouse's chimneystack. The mutants were seen swarming earlier on a Jeffrey Street Smart...
London - A massive killer bee colony that terrorised much of New York during last week's Lunar Eclipse has suddenly materialised in London. Millions of the angry insects congregated near the Apple Store in Regent Street, the flagship shopping mall...
Fukushima - Is it a bird, is it a plane...or is it a luminescent mutant bee swarm mimicking a UFO? The strange aerial formation was spotted high above Fukushima's tsunami-ravaged nuclear power complex during Wednesday's eclipsed full moon penumbra...
London - A psychopomp of 'africanised' bees has been spotted swarming outside HM's bedroom window Palace sources reported today. Hellfire Club soothsayers fear the colony may be gathering in a traditional midwife-to-the-dying rite, sparked by unse...
Milk River, Alberta. As Don Schollander, visiting paleontologist from USC, drove towards the famed Alberta Dinosaur diggings a bee blew into the window of his pickup. Schollander, who is allergic to bee stings, swerved into the oncoming lane and br...
MEXICO CITY - The Mexican government said today it was rushing army and police units to its northern border to slow a stampede of desperate people and animals fleeing the United States.
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