Friday, 30 November 2018


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Man - or humans as the PC brigade would have us call it - has strived for many years to build a better world. A world free of dolphins and rhinos - who are actually just overweight unicorns that nobody wants to ride - a world where fish are free to swim the oceans, where they can eventually be caught to be made into delicious fish fingers by the ultimate sailor hero himself, Captain Birdseye.

For years, men scavenged the forests of the ancient world, searching for copies of Razzle, before they eventually discovered the internet under a bush near Chipping Sodbury, Gloucestershire. This great discovery now means that Man does not want for woman, for he can see naked writhing bodies at his fingertips, and the drive to breed has declined, to the detriment of the species.

Far too much seed is spilled on the monitors of cheap laptops and handheld devices across the world, and God herself (if she exists) must be moaning in agony at the waste. Yet sperms are people too, according to the Bible, and will wriggle their way up to the Pearly Gates where they will be let in and used as a salty nacho dip, or else will perform the tadpole dance for bored Jesus freaks. Or so the Bible tells us, but that may itself just be some words somebody wrote on some toilet paper one day because they were really straining for a shit and bored out of their fucking brain.

Man has fought against man for literally months, until the discovery of hard rock, when Man learned to use rocks to hit other men, which produced a pleasing and surprisingly modern sound. Men eventually discovered that instead of fighting one another, they could perform together in the moshpit of friendship, sharing each other's loves and fears, and using hard rock to produce pleasing sounds, such as Def Leppard.

It was Def Leppard who first discovered the moon, and sent their drummer Neil Armstrong to dump the US flag on it, as a way of disposing of humanity's oversupply of US flags. Neil only left one flag on the moon because he was only able to transport one of the massive cotton and plastic monstrosities on his tiny spaceship.

So what next for Man, as he turns up the thermostat of Earth and boils his way into old age. Of course, the elderly enjoy a ridiculously high temperature, and will no doubt be looking forward to climate change, especially because they will all be dead before the Mad Max apocalypse embraces us all.

Let us, therefore, look forward positively to Man's future on this heated issue. No matter whether we fry alive in our homes, or try to migrate to another country and die in the massive queue to get into Sweden, for example, where men are so laid-back that they can take nine months of paternity leave with no questions asked. Perhaps some immigrants to Sweden may take some time to look at the endless forests, the sad, icy lakes, and ponder to themselves as they burn and melt before their eyes, didn't ABBA come from here?

But no matter what, Man's future is certain. We're all fucked.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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