UKIP to demand we add eleven days to the calendar

Written by IainB

Sunday, 25 March 2018

image for UKIP to demand we add eleven days to the calendar
Adding eleven days to October

After successfully getting the British to vote themselves into more austerity by leaving the European Union, UKIP leader (insert the name used this week here) has said that their party is still relevant, that they will now fight to remove all traces of European meddling from Britain. And by Britain they mean England. And by England they mean London. And by London they mean London from the fifteen hundreds when England was great and Britain was Greater.

"European meddling in England has been going on for a lot longer than this EU and Common Market claptrap," said Tracy St Bigot, UKIP minister for equality.

Initially, UKIP will be campaigning for the removal of unnecessary letters that were added to make English more like French during the eighteen hundreds.

"Every time I see colour, it makes my blood boil," said Tracy.

The English language was altered in the fifteenth century to add a more French flavour (or flavor, if you will). During this period only one in twelve people could read, so nobody really noticed.

Back in the days when King George was still a novel name, the calendar in England was aligned to that used on the continent.

"King George the second," said Tracy, "who was German and barely spoke English decided that it was annoying that his brothers on the continent kept forgetting his birthday, saying it was because the English Calendar was Julian and not Gregorian. So he switched it."

This resulted in the October Riots when the British year was shortened by eleven days, completely misunderstanding that time and the calendar are artificial constructs, and thinking that instead that they were having eleven days stolen from their lives, proving that you do not need the Daily Mail to inculcate stupid people.

"We want to go back to a time when Britain was glorious!" said Tracy. "So we will be petitioning to get our eleven days back and return to the Julian calendar. Admittedly, it means that anybody born in this period will never have a birthday, it'll be eleven days more until Christmas and people probably wouldn't get paid for them."

UKIP have already commissioned a battle bus with "Adding eleven days to your life!" emblazoned down the side in huge white letters.

They believe that returning Britain to a time when politicians bought their seat, the vast majority of Britons worked in a field for a slice of bread and some moldy cheese, human rights were irrelevant and only a select few were allowed to vote would be a platform on which they could get elected.

"We're campaigning to make Britain great again," said Tracy. "Although, this probably means I'll be put into servitude because the last time Britain was great, women couldn't stand for power or own property."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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