Ivanka, We Need to Talk

Written by Mike Peril

Saturday, 2 December 2017

image for Ivanka, We Need to Talk

Ivanka, it's Jared. We need to talk. It's about your dad and this whole Russia thing. I can't do what you're expecting me to do.

Flynn just turned himself in, and you know, I'm the one who told Flynn to cut the deal on the sanctions. Your dad made me. But now your dad says he can't recall that, and he's going to throw me under the bus. He promises a pardon, and says I will never go to jail, all I have to do is keep quiet.

But Ivanka, love, we have our own life, and our kids. And you know what happened to my dad, when Chris Christie threw him in jail. Christie was relentless. The guy is dirty, and still wouldn't take our campaign donations. It broke my dad. Mueller is going to be the same.

So where does that leave me? Our kids believing that both my father and I are criminals? It wasn't supposed to come to this.

I know the position you're in and I don't expect to come between you and your father and the money, but this won't work for me. I'm a Kushner, not a Trump.

I'm leaving DC, and love, I am leaving you. I'm taking a deal that Mueller presented. It works for me. All I'm required to do is to show them some email strings, and our Bitcoin account, and also, simply tell them the truth about your dad.

I'm in over my head Ivanka. I need out. I love you, our life, our family, but I've never really liked your dad. I never trusted him. He's kind of a jerk. And I don't trust him to pardon me.

Let's call it just a separation for now, for the press, and then together we can decide what to do for our future. I love you, know that, and we will get through this.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more