Not to worry, Big Brother is really your Big Buddy, at least when it comes to hoverboards

Funny story written by Samuel Vargo

Saturday, 30 January 2016

image for Not to worry, Big Brother is really your Big Buddy, at least when it comes to hoverboards
It's good to use protective headgear when hovering around on a hoverboard.

Who says the U.S. government is mean and nasty? Big Brother is watching out for you and doesn't want to see you get injured or killed on what it designates as a "counterfeit hoverboard".

U.S. Customs officials have nabbed more than 16,000 counterfeit 'hoverboards' worth an estimated $6 million, according to a Jan. 28 article on FOX News - Technology.

Hoverboards are motorized skateboards which are actually two-wheeled scooters, and these funny looking gizmos have some definite kick. They're dangerous little things and if you're over the age of 25, you shouldn't be allowed within 100 yards of one of these dangerous contraptions. The old folks with dementia at the Green Acres Nursing Home in Spikinesstitty, N.H., refer to these feet pterodactyls as "guillotines for your footsies".

Anyhow, the counterfeit hoverboards were seized by U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers in Chicago, FOX News - Technology reports.

"Not only are these hoverboards a serious safety hazard but they also threaten our economic security by hurting legitimate businesses who invest significant amounts of resources into development and protection of their brands," said U.S. Customs and Border Protection Director of Field Operations William Ferrara, in a statement released Wednesday, the article notes.

To put the $6 million figure into some kind of monetary perspective, it might be good to compare apples to oranges here. The E. Coli issue for Chipotle Mexican Grill (CMG) has a low-ball figure of $6 million, to get the company out of hock, and a high-ball figure of $8 million, for example, so reports a recent posting of Yahoo Finance. One of the most pricey shows on TV these days, "Games of Thrones" reportedly costs $6 million an episode. And a 153.44 Sierra Leone diamond is said to be worth $6 million, according to a posting on INQUISITR.

Meanwhile, there have been reports that the U.S. government is concerned about the bogus hoverboards catching fire and these dangerous little foot scooters have even been banned from all New York City subways, trains, and buses, according to another article of FOX News - Technology.

My friend and neighbor Jacko, well, he has a nephew who I only know by his nickname of "Shark". Anyhow, Shark is an avid skateboarder and hoverboard rider. I interviewed Shark about this issue yesterday and he more or less said that the federal government should mind its own business when it comes to things the younger set likes to put their feet on and ride around on.

"I have one of those counterfeit hoverboards," Shark told me. "Every kid in my neighborhood has one. They're the bomb. Sometimes me and my friends ride them down to the city bus station and create havoc down there. We love to antagonize the folks waiting for the next bus out. The police don't like our maneuvers, but they have a hard time catching us on our hoverboards."

"Sure they catch on fire. That's why we carry around fire extinguishers when we fly around on them," the 14-year-old told me.

"My Mom and Dad, even my Uncle Jacko, want me to quit riding around on my fake hoverboard. Well all I have to say is the government and my family really need to mind their own business. And truthfully, it's an 'over my dead body' sort of deal when it comes to Uncle Sam, my Mom, my Dad, and my crazy old Uncle Jacko's threats of seizing my counterfeit hoverboard," Shark said.

"And if one of those cops confiscates my hoverboard down there at the city bus station some day, well, I'm suing the city! I'll use a public defender and take it all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court!" Shark cried.

From the mouths of babes. What insight. What bravery! In God and hoverboards we trust!

Shark is a big kid for his age. Wiry looking and lean, like his Uncle Jacko, who's over 6-foot-five. Shark's got a shaggy dog haircut and a skull & crossbones tattoo on the side of his neck. His Ma and Pa, Molly and Motor-Man Mike, grounded Shark for a month after he showed up at home with that thing, which looked like it was etched on Shark's neck by using a sewing needle and blackish-blue ink from a ballpoint pen. When Shark smoked all his mother's cigarettes one day, his parents lifted the sanctions and now, I guess, Shark can do whatever the hell Shark wants to do - which really is practically anything.

Shark took a long snort of his MONSTER Energy drink and snorted, "And if my Uncle Jacko can keep his Uzi machine gun and his AK-47, I'm gonna keep my counterfeit hoverboard, and that's that. Uncle Jacko even had a grizzly, a tiger and three alligators living with him in his apartment last year. So who's calling the kettle black here?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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