A Candid conversation between Amiko Aventurista and Joaquim "El Chapo" Guzman

Written by Amiko Aventurista

Thursday, 5 November 2015

image for A Candid conversation between Amiko Aventurista and Joaquim "El Chapo" Guzman
El Chapo Guzman

The internationally acclaimed, and Pulitzer Prize winner, Amiko Aventurista, has once again demonstrated why he is the world's leading journalist. Yesterday, he conducted the most impressive interview of his career when Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman, agreed to a one-on-one non-conditional 60 minute interview.

Hundreds of journalists have attempted to interview El Chapo, the world's leading fugitive, without success. The editors of this newspaper asked Aventurista to take the challenge and within 24 hours the job was done. The transcript of the interview is exclusive to our newspaper.

Aventurista: El Chapo thank you for agreeing to this interview. Why did you agree to this interview?

El Chapo: Amiko, may I call you Amiko?, I agreed because I want the world to know the real El Chapo, not the Hollywood stereotype. People don't know the real me and that's not right. Why did I pick you? The obvious. You are the world's leading journalist. I am the world's leading manufacturer, distributor, and marketer of over-the-counter pain relief medication and euphoria inducers. I am a bit of a social snob and I believe people of equal status should stay together.

Aventurista: Well, thank you for those kind words. I like you too. Okay, let's start with the most obvious question: why are we doing this interview from your prison cell?

El Chapo: Oh come on! You know why? It's because I never escaped from prison! Why would I? I can run my operations from here, it's perfectly safe, my family can visit whenever they want and I get free wi-fi.

Aventurista: Are you telling me that the tunnel was a fake?

El Chapo: Of course not. There is a real tunnel. It's the tunnel my guards used to bring you here. What I am saying is that I had the tunnel built so that people would think I used it to escape. I called the authorities and media and they saw the tunnel and assumed I used it to flee but the whole time I've been right here. I figured no one would bother to look in my cell and of course I was right.

Aventurista: Wow? That's genius.

El Chapo: Muchas gracias. Sorry for not showing better manners. Can I offer you a drink, coffee, juice, beer or a snack? My guards will bring you whatever you want.

Aventurista: Sure. I'll take a cappuccino and a chocolate


El Chapo: Excellent choice! I should have guess. The chef here is from France and he is world class. I brought him over last week.

Aventurista: Great. Earlier you said you want the world to know the "real" you, not the Hollywood gangster. Tell the world something it doesn't know?

El Chapo: First, let's start with my nick name. I hate that name. It means shorty and I'm not short. I am 5'11. I would say I'm average, maybe even taller that average.

Aventurista: Really, 5'11? Well, I guess it's true? After all they say the camera adds 10 pounds. If you prefer I can call you by another name or call you El Chapo? Whatever you prefer.

El Chapo: It's fine. Let's stay with El Chapo. It's my brand and it would costs too much money to rebrand myself.

Aventurista: Tell me a second urban legend?

El Chapo: Okay, here is another. Very few people know I was a water boy for the Mexican national soccer team.

Aventurista: Bingo! That's news. Did you ever consider playing professional soccer?

El Chapo: No, my legs were too short. My mother made me do it. All the players and neighborhood kids would tease me. El Chapo get me water, El Chapo bring me a towel, El Chapo this, El Chapo that. I couldn't take it!

Aventurista: What did you do about it?

El Chapo: I decided to spike the water.

Aventurista: What did put in the water?

El Chapo: I played it by ear depending on the game situation. Sometimes I would put a little coca if the players were tired or slow. Other times, I would put a little herb (think of the cucaracha song) if they were going too fast. As you can probably imagine my junior high school didn't have a laboratory so my understanding of biology and chemistry was rudimentary. As a result the dosage was seldom correct.

Aventurista: Were you blamed for the team's poor showing in the World Cup?

El Chapo: Hell yea! The players were fine. But the fans. Oh the fans. All I can say is Mexican soccer fans are a bunch of hijos de la @)*$+!

Aventurista: That's a wild story, but what my readers want to know is how did you get into the business of manufacturing, distributing and marketing of pain relievers and euphoria inducers?

El Chapo: Claro, I'm getting to that. Well, after a few years, my biology and chemistry skills improved. In fact, the players all wanted my special brew of water-if you know what I mean, ha, ha, ha! So I thought, hey I've got talent and I should use it to make the world a better place by mass producing and distributing.

Aventurista: El Chapo, what do you say to the people who say your manufacturing and distributing is hurting and killing people.

El Chapo: Hey, wait one minute. You're off base buddy. I'm giving the people what they want. Natural products at affordable prices. I'm no different from WalMart or the NRA or other industries that are blamed for the troubles in the world by liberal elites. No one says Walmart, the biggest seller of guns in the US, is the blame for gun violence.

Aventurista: Good point. What's next for El Chapo?

El Chapo: Now that the security situation has been resolved, I see big opportunities. The big pharmaceuticals took a lot of my market share, especially in the pain relief market; Oxycotin is bad ass. My products, aren't habit forming, are natural, and cheap to produce. Theirs are none of that. I want what they have. You know, big mark-ups, FDA stamp of approval, advertisement, etc.

Aventurista: El Chapo, I am impressed with your English. How and where did you learn English so well?

El Chapo: Thanks for the compliment. I learned by watching American television. I am a big fan of crime shows, like America's Most Wanted and Crime Scene Investigations, sit-coms such as Friends and children shows. I love me some Sponge Bob Square Pants. He likes trouble so I like him. Also, I had the Mexican offices of the FBI and the DEA bugged with listening devices. I learned all the bad words from them. They really are foul mouth guys. I hope someone reports them.

Aventurista: Thank you for your time. How do I get out of here?

El Chapo: You are welcome. The time just few by. Come back anytime. Be sure to spell my name correctly. Joaquim Sergio "El Chapo" Guzman De Jesus. Just wait I minute and I will escort you to the door. Que te valle bien!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more