Area Man Convinced All of His Problems "Just Old Age"

Funny story written by Don Grapper

Friday, 27 February 2015


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Santa Cruz, California - 79 year old Santa Cruz resident Harry Rider discounted as "irrelevant" his personal habits in explaining a recent hospitalization.

Mr. Rider was rushed to the hospital early yesterday morning after having smoked a gram of his neighbor's medical marijuana, taken four days worth of his girlfriend's valium, and having then washed it all down in ten seconds using a beer bong filled with six cans of Budweiser.

"I think he also took some of my Xanax," said his on again, off again girlfriend.

"We're not living together right now because a week ago, in the midst of a bad LSD trip, he thought I was Hitler and kept screaming out the window about Obama at a neighbor's garden gnome," she said. "

His girlfriend said also that Mr. Rider sometimes "snorts viagra."

According to his trailer park neighbors, Mr. Rider "spun out from his trailer" at around 9 am Monday morning, screaming at his arms 'get these snakes and lizards off me" and then grabbed a little kid who doesn't speak English and said "where's the President? I know you have him! Now tell me where he is!" He then tried walking off and rose one fist "swearing to Avenge the Alamo" but his knees buckled, and he collapsed to the ground.

A witness to the spectacle called 911. Mr. Rider was taken to the hospital where he is still being kept for observation.

His lab results showed "dangerous levels of multiple substances, none of which should be taken in conjunction with each other," his doctor said. "And some of which simply shouldn't be taken at all."

Among those in the latter category, he cited "horny toad liver extract and highly concentrated, powderized dingle berry root."

"The dingle berry root had to be powderized," the doctor said. "In actual root form, he had over 50 pounds of the stuff in his system. Eating that much root would have been impossible."

The Doctor said he sees countless patients who overdose on those two substances under the mistaken notion that they're aphrodisiacs.

"They're just toxic - that's all," the doctor said.

Mr. Rider said the Doctor was ignoring other factors that better explained his recent breakdown.

"I've been very stressed out over the state of the world,' Mr. Rider said. "And I am also very old."

Mr. Rider said that his breakdown was "normal for people of my age" and accused the doctors and nurses of "being judgmental" and lacking also compassion for "a man trying to enjoy the sunset of his life."

"Somethings are just simply due to old age," the 79 year old said.

A search through Mr. Rider's wallet for his insurance card yielded multiple snapshot photos of him cavorting with known prostitutes and having "sex with many women half his age in a photo booth all at the same time," said a hospital nurse who asked not to be identified.

His jeans pants pockets were also "overflowing with glow-in-the-dark condoms, multiple packets of hash wrapped in tinfoil, a still warm crack pipe, and business cards from six different area escort services."

"Somewhere buried in there, he also had a Costco card," said the nurse who did the search.

Hospital personnel were confirmed in their suspicions that Mr. Rider was "a complete drug and alcohol addled degenerate" when his girlfriend arrived with "a few of his things."

"She brought in a gym bag filled with a six pack of dildos, a bong, a can of Crisco, an ounce of very crystallized and hairy buds, fifty nitrous canisters, a spritzer, a giant bottle of Vodka and a two liter bottle of Squirt, some neo-fascist S and M magazines, three cinema sized boxes of Ju Ju Bees, and a dog-eared, paperback copy of a Hugh Hefner biography," said the nurse on duty when his girlfriend arrived.

"His girlfriend said she didn't bring everything because she thought it best he take it easy for a while," the nurse said.

The nurse called the police but was told nothing in the bag was "technically illegal."

Asked about his total mental breakdown, Mr. Rider said he had it because he was driven mad with worry about his son who lives overseas.

"He's in Denmark and I fear the city he lives in may flood and he won't be able to remove his heavy wooden clogs and they will pull him down below the water and he'll drown," Mr. Rider said.

"He tells me he wears inflatable socks, but how can I really know? Maybe he's lying."

Mr. Rider was informed by medical staff that mixing "other people's valium with other people's pot and other people's Xanax and then drinking six beers in a row" was not a thing advisable at any age.

Mr. Rider dismissed his Doctor's warnings.

"I'm here because I'm old and my son is a self absorbed ingrate who won't call ten times a day and let me know he's all right," Rider said.

His son said via Skype that he gave up calling because his father was "rarely lucid" and when he was he "couldn't hear anything" his father said anyway "because of the noise of all the girls giggling and the loud dance music playing."

"And I don't live in Denmark," his son said. "I live in Watsonville, which is about twenty minutes away."

His son indicated that "it was not at all uncommon" for their calls to end "when the line went suddenly dead" after he heard "what sounded like someone yelling angry threats in Spanish."

His father says his son is lying. The elder Rider claims that he sometimes likes to have company over, so they can "talk and relax and give each other shoulder and clavicle massages but things never get out of hand." He said he is neither an alcoholic nor compulsive narcotics and prescription pill user, and that, on the contrary, he takes perfect care of his health and has recently started eating organic carrots and drinking organic skim milk.

"Sure I sometimes have friends over, but we all just pass around one or two beers between us and talk about the weather," he said, snapping his fingers at his second ex-wife to get his girlfriend to hand him his bong.

"Sometimes we might watch a little wrestling or the PBS News Hour too," Rider said.

Rider's son said his father "has always been "a degenerate."

"In fact," the younger Rider said, "I would say, beginning sometime in his forties, he moved on to being totally depraved."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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