Drug Cartels Trick Of Sending Young Kids Across U.S. Border Successfully Fools Guards

Written by rfreed

Sunday, 12 October 2014

Suspicions have arisen lately that the recent spate of Latin children coming across the southern U.S. border were no spontaneous occurrence. Darker implications have revealed themselves.

"The operation was a total success!" states Juan Cokefetcher, middle manager for the Headchoppers Cartel of Chihuahua. "Those stupid gringos never did figure out what it was all about; that those kids coming across seeking asylum were just a ruse to distract them."

The cartels are rating their diversion of having the thousands of orphans and street urchins inundate the U.S. border claiming to be refugees as being a great success.

"We were able to get tons of coke and pot over the border while the Yanqui Federales were busy dealing with the kids. We were laughing all the way to the bank!" said Jorges Slitneck, mule for the Slitthroat gang from Vera Cruz.

"Yeah, man. We got so much weed and blow through our tunnels under the border that we each bought our own mansions now. If the border Patrol discover the tunnels, we just pile all the dead bodies of our exterminated enemies in there and blast it. It makes so much of a rubble and mess that the Americans don't even bother to try to sort it out." commented Raul Knucklebreaker for the Snort Kingpins.

"We were able to build so many tunnels with the border guards babysitting the kids that we even run railroad trains through them. In fact, we now have a Juarez to El Paso express."

"We hired a bunch of Palestinians at a song to teach us their methods of tunneling. We are thinking of branching out and shuttling ICIS recruits though them into the U.S. They are offering big bucks for that privilege. The only trouble with them is they are all suicide bombers so there is no incentive for repeat business."

"Our next big undertaking," says the Eyegouge Cartel transporter Alex Chophand, "will be to send a lot of old people up to the border begging to be let in. We will especially recruit a lot of cripples and infirm people. When they are let in they will be such a burden on the American medical system that it will bring Obamacare crashing down and with that the whole American economy. Then we can take over! The sicker the oldsters are the better! We will plug up those crossing gates so bad they will need tankfuls of Draino to clear them out. We will make a bundle through all the confusion!"

He laughed evilly.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more