Drone Address: Obama Condemns (-Ish) Suicide Bombers (2/2)

Funny story written by TM_Dealer

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Last time, just for a change, President Obama Sanders-meandered around for a bit, and made very heavy weather of expressing his policy intentions.

But at least he got around to admitting that the world is not just shades of grey, and that there is such a thing as objective good and evil, right?

Either way, (or "both and neither," if you're a certain notable Swiftboat celebrity), here's the rest of the transcript for you.

Drone strikes are entirely and unquestionably necessary.

I suggest that this may conceivably be because our enemies are utterly and undeniably vicious, wicked, and wish to do us harm…

Well, I mean, I suspect that's possibly close enough, I guess.


Whew! That was one helluva filler, huh? I'm really on a roll now!

Yes, our enemies are thoroughly unprincipled and corrupt.

Whence cometh (OOF!) this sneaking suspicion?

Well, some of our jihadist enemies are suicide bombers.

Note that I don't say that all of them are suicide bombers. That kind of partisan rhetoric is likely to cause grave offence to moderate radical Islamist militants™, who (for perfectly understandable and defensible reasons) choose not to utilise this particular kind of strategic option…

In order to engage in alternative modes of robustly concrete political activism and intervention.

Still, what do we know about suicide bombers?


Um, well, I think Wikipedia is a rather helpful source!

…And often more informative and accurate than the rather long and tedious papers that some of my colleagues hand out to me.

Still, it's just swings and roundabouts, n'est-ce pas?

I mean, we don't need to be too rigorously empirical about this stuff.

For after all, as we all know and agree, and as I do too:

Facts are purely negotiable, but convictions are always absolutely unquestionable.

Still, suicide bombers; well, I guess you might say they are not of God's best.

Well, after a fashion, perhaps; no unnecessary offence intended or implied.

Now, these people, maybe somewhat arbitrarily, conduct explosions, often in built-up urban areas where many civilians are living or otherwise present.

Their crimes are perhaps, to certain degree, fairly indiscriminate.

(Yes, we must remember to focus purely on the value of the act, and never moralistically condemn the inevitably complex and ambivalent personal character of the agent).

But yes: in some cases, you might say the only rule is:

"Let the chips/bombs fall (or at least 'explode!' Hah!) where they may."

Oof! Sheesh…

You know, I remember you guys used to laugh at my jokes all the time. What's wrong with you now?

Still, this slaughter is so indiscriminate, I doubt they even make any serious and honest effort to compile exhaustive and non-concocted statistics of their collateral casualties…

Far less a full list of their victims…

And even less so do they intend to compensate any innocent people caught up in these atrocities.

Worse still, these arguably somewhat indiscriminate murders and assassinations of innocent people are not even presented by their perpetrators as the crude acts of violence that they are. These people do not merely swagger around like crude football hooligans or cruel Mafiosi.

No. Rather, they appeal to high and noble ideals, falsely claiming that these vicious attacks are the only way to protect innocent people.

So, they kill the guiltless, in order to spare the guiltless.

Now, what could be possibly more hypocritical and callous than this?

So, now that you know how vicious our enemies are, I think you will understand perfectly™ the context and implications of my droning policy.

On this occasion, Hamas, Daesh, and the Moderate Syrian Dissidents™ have expressed their sincere gratitude for an American President's achingly non-zero-sum intervention.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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