Drone Address: Obama Condemns (-Ish) Suicide Bombers (1/2)

Funny story written by TM_Dealer

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

President Obama has conclusively refuted all the unpatriotic pinkos who hate America so much, they want to maliciously and opportunistically hinder his drone campaign…

Which latter, as we all know and agree, exists purely in order for your safety alone.

Read it with an open mind.

Well, I mean, c'mon; at least he's not a neocon, right?


Now let me say this.

Well, why not? I mean, if I don't say it, who's gonna say it?

I, President Barack Obama, leader of the Free World…

And also of all the various integral synthetic components of the world that are not technically 'free' as such, but that we are hoping to assist with their rather unfortunate handicap very soon…

Well, I could perhaps say that I am kind of, as it were, a hundred million per cent convinced that I am no advocate of merely partisan politics…

Yes, I'm sort of leaning towards absolute, unqualified certainty on that point, if you will.

However, there are those in Our…

Sorry, My Nation (hah, look! No teleprompter!)…

Yes, there are those who characterise your drone policy for my national security as being cruel and unnecessary.


Hey, listen, did I get that one the right way round this time? 'Your, my?'

OK, OK, we'll switch it on next time. I guess I just haven't quite got my wings yet.

Yeah, like that old friend of mine, said, need some more on-the-job training…

Yes, yes, no, no need to reassure me, yes of course, I already knew I was doing just fine.

Well, now let me say this. If we are to find some way beyond partisan politics…

Well the best way to do this is for me to prove that some swift, clean, surgical, artistically flamboyant drone strikes™ are wholly necessary to protect America.

Now, that's all I need to do. Then all you need to do is your bit; you need to agree with me and quit being partisan…

And, well, everything will work out just fine.

Yup! I've got a real hunch about this one™.

I mean, what's the worst that can happen?™

Oh yeah, sorry; I've been using that latter one quite a lot recently.

Still, I don't think any of those guys out there have noticed that. It's not their job to worry about what I say and what it's supposed to mean, right?

Huh? Focus on the camera, you say?

Well sure, that's generally not a difficult one for me.

Now let me say… um, affirm this! (Hah!)

Drone strikes are entirely and unquestionably necessary.

I suggest that this may conceivably be because our enemies are utterly and undeniably vicious, wicked, and wish to do us harm…

Well, I mean, I suspect that's possibly close enough, I guess.


Really? Ya don't say!

Still, join us next time.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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