Wiilliam Bigturd, an American Indian septic tank cleaner in Hollywood announced at a press conference held by creative Artists Agency today at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills:
"Yep, it's true! I've been cleaning out the septic tanks of the Stars for many moons and i have saved and cataloged their "Star Shit" with it's DNA -- along with the starshit my ancestors have saved. We have been in the septic business since the early days of Hollywood -- my Grandfather, Johnny Bigdump, always kept a bowl of Tonto's shit in the living room."
(Tonto was The Lone Ranger's sidekick, for younger readers.)
Moishe Pipick, head of liscencing for CAA said: "If Dame Judy Dench can get 2 million for her pussy hair, how much will people pay for an original John Wayne dump or a freshly minted Brad and Angela, or for a beauty from say Curt Cobain?"
The Hollywood Reporter blared: "There's Gold In Them Thar Hills - Star Shit gold in the Hollywood Hills that is and it reported that septic tank wars have erupted in Memphis as a Shit Gold Rush has created a frenzy to obtain the Holy Grail of turds -- a blast from the King himself."
CAA said "Christy's elite auction house will be the exclusive seller of the Star Shit ."
Mitt Grimes, head auctioneer at Christy's said today: "An authenticated Star Shit could sell for more than a Picasso -- the ultimate statement about American culture!"
And this reporter has it on good authority that entrepreneurial gynecologists in LA may have been stockpiling "Star Sperm" --what is next? -- stay tuned!
(copyright lawyers should have a field day as well as firms who will be rushing to install secure shit facilities).