Switzerland - Hellfire Bank's Gnomes of Zurich subsidiary hid billions of $$$ for drug lords, arms dealers and Z-Lister royals according to a new report.
Celeb non-entities laundered their coke-dealing squillions via the Swiss bank's private arm in an arrangement brokered by CEO Lord Hellfire of Mammon Enterprises.
The now retired ex-investment wanker - uh, banker! - currently sits of the Government's front benches as UK PM David Cameron's Minister for Rough Trade.
En-knobblement to the Upper Chamber comes with its priviledges, Westmonster pals say.
Why, only last year at the Queen's Christmas Party M'Lord got first squeeze of La Pregnant Middleton's left tit after winning first prize in the Palace Xmas Tombola.
Spending five whole hours up Prince William's rectum at Highgrove 'merely the icing on the cake'.
Commenting tonight on the revelations a Palace spokesperson vehemently denied Queen Elizardbirth had money laundered the proceeds of flogging off the crown jewels.
An awful lot of tiaras, diamond bracelets, bejewelled sceptres and gem-encrusted condoms have gone missing from the Tower since 1998.