Secret Celebrity Marriages Revealed

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Tuesday, 27 January 2015

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Michael and Glenda Jackson in happier days

They managed to keep their nuptials secret for years, even decades, but today, thanks to the opening of public records to the internet generation, Paxton Quigley is able to reveal the odd couple marriages the celebrities didn't want you to know about.

Here is a selection of the best and the worst.

Michael and Glenda Jackson.
Who would have thought it? The piebald plastic child molester "King of Pop" and the Oscar winning actress turned politico joined at the hip. They managed to keep it secret as Glenda accompanied Michael while wearing a monkey suit and answering to the name "Bubbles" for years before she became the MP for Hampstead, forcing them to go their separate ways. What became of him? We'll never know.

Jonathan and Diana Ross.
Cheeky chappy Wossie won over sultry songstress and alcohol sodden Di with his stylish skirts, double entendres and claim to have large undercarriage. Things fell apart after Di sobered up in the Betty Ford Clinic and found out that Wossie wasn't up to the job. He had in fact been using an Ann Summers Errol Flynn model strap-on to gratify her and Pina Colada mix for simulated jizz.

Chevy and Lorraine Chase
1970s C list celeb, dental chair model and Essex girl-cum-walking skeleton, Lorraine managed to win the heart of smooth talking U.S. "comedian" Chevy with her "no mate, Lu'on airport" charm. He whisked her off to LA from whence she swiftly returned to Blighty claiming "cor blimey, no effing bleeder can understand a word I say".

Jimmy and Julia Somervile
Midget potato head 1980s Scottish falsetto pop star Jimmy, renowned for cruising the gay world's bars and disappearing for days on end, tried vainly to go straight. With his gyrating little bum, he wooed and won the heart of naive ITN newsreader beauty Julia who was blissfully unaware of his sexual proclivities. It was live on-air during News at Ten that the penny dropped for Julia while reading a report on the story behind Bronski Beat's "Smalltown Boy". Things were never the same again.

Kenneth and Serena Williams
You know the feeling, you're in a bar, your eyes meet, it's the one...tall, dark and handsome with well toned muscles and soon you are swept off your feet. That's exactly how the late Kenneth Williams described his first sight of Serena and whirlwind romance with her in his best selling autobiography "Ooh Matron!" Camp, faux gay Kenneth was easy meat for her and his multi-faceted voices and impersonations, Rambling Sid Rumpo, Julian (of Jules and Sandy) etc. kept Serena entertained until his untimely death from exhaustion brought about by her excessive sexual demands. These days Serena concentrates solely on her tennis career claiming that no other man could ever match up to her Ken.

Don and Holly Johnson
A sad tale of the evils of the demon drink. Don Johnson of Miami Vice fame was celebrating his seventh divorce from Melanie Griffiths in a dimly lit New York speak easy when he was subjected to what he said was "the best fucking blow job I ever had" from someone named Holly. He awoke next morning as a newly married man in the arms of Liverpool soft porn popster Holly "Relax" Johnson. Divorce proceedings were promptly taken…well after a few nights or so…

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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