The List of 10 Reasons Why Congressman Ron Paul Says America Should Elect Him To Be The Next President

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Monday, 28 May 2012

image for The List of 10 Reasons Why Congressman Ron Paul Says America Should Elect Him To Be The Next President
Ron Paul wants to be president so bad he can taste it. (Photo courtesy of Shakira).

Congressman Ron Paul of Texas was recently asked how he felt running in the GOP presidential race for the highest office in the land.

The spry 76-year-old smiled and remarked that he felt as happy as a woodpecker in a Popsicle stick factory.

The veteran politician from Texas is no stranger to the harsh world of political mudslinging.

Earlier this year when Michele Bachmann stated that he looked old enough to have fought for the Confederacy during the Civil War he responded by referring to the ditsy dame from Minnesota as "The Paris Hilton of Politics."

During one of the GOP presidential debates he angered Newt Gingrich by calling him the Pillsbury Doughboy of the Republican Party.

But Congressman Paul is really quite a likable sort as evidenced by the fact that 90-year-old actress Betty White recently expressed to Whoopi Goldberg on The View that Ronnie is so darn cute that if he wasn't married she would be all over him like stripes on a zebra.

He was even personally asked by Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev to appear in an episode of their hit television show The Vampire Dairies.

Ron Paul is the only Republican candidate to have refused secret service protection during the GOP presidential race.

He told the news media that he had texted the secret service and informed them that the reason why he does not need their protection is because he is an expert at karate, judo, kung fu, jujitsu, arm wrestling, and fencing.


  1. He promises that he will only concern himself with the United States and says that he will never invade any foreign country. If China invades Canada, he'll just simply say, "Tough titty said the kitty."
  2. Unlike presidents from the past, he will never engage in games of "Spin-The-Bottle" with unmarried White House staff members.
  3. The Congressman has stated that if elected president he would immediately do away with those infernal invasive TSA "Pat Downs" or as he calls them "Feel Ups."
  4. He will open up trade talks with Cuba, so that the United States can get some decent cigars, some damn good deals on sugar, and some pretty good baseball players.
  5. He has vowed to somehow find a way to end the seemingly endless, on-going, childish feud between late night talk show hosts Jay Leno and David Letterman.
  6. In order to cut back on the expensive White House food budget, he will make Tuesday's Hot Dog Day, Thursday's Hamburger Day, and Saturday's will be Enchilada Day.
  7. He will cut back Rush Limbaugh's radio talk show from three hours down to 15 minutes.
  8. He will reroute the tons and tons of free food that is presently going to unappreciative nations and send it to deserving places in the U.S. such as the Ozarks, the Appalachians, East L.A., the delta's of Mississippi, Detroit, and Harlem.
  9. In an effort to end sports racism he will immediately change the discriminatory name of the NFL's Washington Redskins to the much nicer and non-insulting sounding name the Washington Native-Americans.
  10. He will ban Sarah "Snowflake" Palin from ever setting foot anywhere in the continental United States.

NOTE: Ron Paul has hinted that he would like to have Cameron Diaz on his presidential political ticket.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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