Historical Walks of Ye Olde Nottingham - To the Trent

Funny story written by Inchcock

Saturday, 10 December 2011

image for Historical Walks of Ye Olde Nottingham - To the Trent
Harold Macmillan

A short walk from the Meadows police Station, to the picturesque river Trent Embankment for a picnic.

You stroll passed the Constables pushbike resting outside of the station, and meander up the tree lines Queens Drive towards the river, with your pork pie, bottle of Dandylion & Burdoch, and if your lucky, an apple or banana.

Your gingerly walk passed the fire-bombed police station and trashed squad car, and walk up Queens Drive, away from the trees that are used as cover by the local muggists, keeping in the centre of the road. You may risk harm by being hit by a joy-rider or drug dealer driving down the road, but at least you can hear them coming, the muggers come from nowhere, and are so numerous, you have to keep alert, with you pepper spray, tazer, and mobile phone.

You stroll passed the quaint 'Cremorne' public house, with the decorative horse trough and well tended gardens outside.

You avoid the often raided by the drug squad and full of wino's abandoned shell of fire-bombed Social Services Offices, where the old Cremorne' building was. Still keeping a watchful eye out for muggers and hoodies.

You stop for a chinwag with the local bobby, taking a drink from his Thermos flask, on the corner near the halfpenny-toll-bridge, as he sits next to Wueen Victoria's shining statue. You talk pleasantly of football, music, Harold Macmillan, the new hoola-hoops and the likes, wish each other all the best and move on towards the grass for you picnic.

You notice the armed response police vehicle parked in the Pizza Hut car park as you walk on passed the graffiti and Occupy Nottingham City Centre posters daubed on Queen Victoria's vandalised statue, towards the grass of the embankment, littered with condoms, beer cans, and hypodermic needles.

You reach the 'steps' of the embankment, and settle, as the swans approach you in search of food. Everything seems serene, and you gaze over the river to the other side, where the horses in the fields are joyously romping, seemingly full of the joys of life, and you are at peace, as you listen to the birds, and rippling water. You realise you have to start work in an hour.

You clear away the debris on the 'steps' of the embankment, and sit down, immediately the Canada geese descend, attacking you in an effort to encourage to to give up you food. not a bad thing really, this usually keeps the Big Issue sellers, and muggers at bay for a while. You glance over the river to see the burned out abandoned cars on the opposite bank, as you listen to the sounds of the emergency vehicles klaxon's in the background, and realise you have to sign on at the Jobcentre in an hour.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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