Written by Inchcock

Saturday, 26 November 2011

image for Nottingham's new Pond-side Take Away Opens with 99% local menu dishes!
A locally sourced delicacy on the menu

The inventiveness of a Nottingham man, with the help of the Job Centre Plus staff, and a grant from the Alcoholics Support Group, has opened a new take-away in the local City Centre situated Arboretum.

Built in the collapsed old Gents toilets wooden building, and fitted out with equipment from closed down Old Peoples Homes, Fire bombed Police stations, and the recently closed Soup Kitchen, it is now, after 3 years hard work, ready for business.

Situated in the Nottingham Arboretum, it's just up the hill behind the aviary, where the mugging took place last week, it has been painted in City Council colours of green and yellow, and has a 99ft kitchen chimney to avoid polluting the Arboretum's ambience.

Mr Zoltan Peppa, the proprietor, claims 99% of his menu is sourced locally. He said: "My dishes will be different, and most importantly, reasonably priced, hic!, un 'aving local connections"

On the opening menu is:

African Parrot and suet dumplings:
With baked acorns on a bed of Pondweed and crushed periwinkles. Covered with a thick ketchup and rice-vinegar sauce. Served with wild mushrooms, acorn juice, and fried conker skins.

Beheaded Stickleback Stew
The delicately boned flesh of (Gasterosteidae) choice Arboretum stickleback fish, plopped in a pan of Pondwater flavoured brine, with white pepper, salt, gungo beans, plain flour, sugar, and local tap water. Stewed for two hours.

Pigeon Curry
Locally procured plump pigeons, de-feathered, beheaded, gutted and marinated in a rich popular local marinade of curry powder, Chilli powder, ketchup, none brewed condiment, raspberry jam, salt, and crushed beaks of Mallard pond ducks.

Jobcentre Soup
Local tap water, with tomato soup (Asda Smartprice), vinegar, and freshly dug potatoes from the nearby allotments added. With a four inch thick slice of locally shop-lifted bread.

Police Station Fire Bombed Tikka Surprise
Vindaloo curry, garlic, raw red capsicums, flamed Patna rice, hot chilli, burnt toast, and locally bred roasted frog legs, with Szechuan sauce.

Unemployed Pastie
Due to excessive demand in advanced bookings, we've run out of ingredients for this pastie. It is no longer unavailable, sorry.

(Locally collected) Birds (Swifts) Nest Soup
Swiftlets makes its nest from strands of gummy saliva, which harden when exposed to air. Once the nests are harvested, they are cleaned and collected by ourselves formthe many trees in the Arboretum, where they are prepared and served simmered in chicken broth, with rock sugar, pond water, green onions, chicken stock, egg whites, ginseng roots, cornstarch, ketchup, and cooking fat. Served on its own, and very enjoyable with a stick of root liquorice.

Sparrow legs & Imitation Belly Pork slices steamed in local sunflower leaves.
A cheap meal for one. The skilfully dissected toasted legs, are marinated in black bean sauce with suet overnight, and served with a side dish of (Tesco) out of date fried in beef stock imitation belly pork slices, decorated with the delicately prepared blanched spread Sparrows wings.

Boiled Locally gathered Eggs Cocktail
A nice mix of Budgerigar, Mallard duck, Pigeon, Sparrow, Blackbird, and Canary eggs, mixed in a favourite local mixture of pizza, hamburger, and chip pastie. With, ketchup, mayonnaise, curry powder, and beef dripping.

Drinks Available:
Tea (Asda, Morrisons, or Tesco own label) 25p
Tea (Yorkshire, PG, or English Breakfast) 50p
Tea made with Purified Pond water & lemon 40p
Coffee - Not available
Shoplifted Coke or Cola 30p
Brewed tap water & Red Bull 90p

Health Warning:
When entering the Arboretum, we thought you would like to know that the majority
of the muggings take place at the Mansfield Road end entrance, or near the trees.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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