If you are NOT living in Scotland then there are certain rules of etiquette to be observed when meeting Susan if you wish to be accepted and return to YOUR homeland intact.
1. Do NOT rush at Susan and hug her. (This could result in you receiving a Blackurn Kiss from Subo. This is the same as a 'Liverpool Kiss' and indeed, a 'Glasgow Kiss', all of which entail the bridge of your nose being 'kissed' by the other person's forehead. You will always be the 'loser' in this affectionate exchange.)
2. NEVER, EVER refer to a person from Scotland as being "Scotch". Scotch is a drink. The correct terminology is a 'Scot' or 'Scottish person'.
3. NEVER refer to a kilt as a skirt.
4. NEVER turn you nose up at a 'fish supper' OR a pint of heavy. Accept both, if offered, with tremendous enthusiasm, even if you don't know what they are.
5. Do NOT try to imitate any of the Scottish accents. You WILL lose every time and make a wee bit of a fool of yourself.
6. NEVER criticize Billy Connolly EVER. (Some Scots will say they don't even like him but THEY are the 'closet Big Yin fans'.)
7. If you do not KNOW who BILLY is then make sure you 'Google' him and memorize some facts about him e.g. background, filmography and even some of his famous songs and jokes BEFORE your visit to Bonnie Scotland.
8. NEVER admit to watching 'Monarch Of The Glenn'.
9. NEVER accessorise your outfit with a red scarf unless you want to be 'swarmed'.
10. NEVER ask Subo, "How's your pussy doing?"
