Dear Brothers and Sisters of The Church of La-La-land it is with great concern that I write to you as Pastor of the Universe. I am, as are many of you, deeply disturbed by information which has recently come to light regarding some members of The Church of La-la-land. I am particulary dismayed to hear about those members of the Church who have taken it upon themselves to hand out blessings.
I can only share in the dismay you must feel in the way the leaders of the Church have dealt with this matter.
I recently met with officials of the Roman Curio Cabinet. Our discussions were with both Frank and Earnest. These particular two priests, Frank and Earnest have agreed to be counselled in order to better equip them to understand and deal with the crazed fanatics who have joined our congregations around the world.
I plead with you to right this wrong. You MUST be gracious when you come across one of these loonies. They are constantly in attack mode and are quite easily identified by their red scarves and the constant peppering, throughout any conversation of the phrase "I love you Susan Boyle. Please say you love me."
Apparently this is said to be a symptom of a new 'strain' of Tourrettes Syndrome. In truth, they are more to be pitied than scorned. If you come across one of these loonies, approach with caution.
As you take up the challenge of this hour, I ask you to remember that these fanatics are 'people' first. They CAN be calmed if you quietly sing to them 'I'm Who I was Born to BE", the song specially written for Susan herself. (One of our beloved, and anal-retentive with OCD, Bishops did tell me that this song was written by the grandniece of Dorothy - from The Wizard of Oz.)
If you come across one of these ladies and she is wearing an ankle bracelet, take her to the nearest cafe, buy her a glass of lemonade or Irn Bru and call the police immediately.
In almost every family around the world there is said to be a Subo fan - a son or daughter, an aunt or uncle - who has given his or her life over to Susan Boyle. Sharing the gift of her talents with others and putting their faith into action, spreading the word of Susan.
This is not considered a sin in the Church of La-la-land, if kept subtle. The problem is, some fans have totally lost their marbles.
Speaking to you as Pastor of the Universe, concerned about the good of all members of the Church, I humbly ask you to consider what I have said and hope you will join me in putting an end to loonies running around giving blessings out willy nilly.
I wish to conclude this letter with a reference to Susan Boyle herself and I ask that each and every one of you get tickets to see her when she appears in a concert near your home, or within travelling distance.
Dog Bless you my children.
