Every morning at 4am in Edinburgh, Scotland locals and tourists alike rise early to witness a strange sight. 4 huge Samurai warriors in full Scottish Highland Dress carry a shrouded sculpture on a Mothers Pride bread board from it's hiding place to an old Edinburgh Police Information box at the Grassmarket. The Samurai are resplendent in their newly designed kilts, created specially with the Susan Boyle tartan.
Locals stop and gaze while the early bird Japanese tourists bow low at the sight of the Samurai. The Japanese tourists buy armfuls of cut flowers then throw handfuls of flower petals to ensure a blissful and plentiful journey for the Samurai. Locals copy the Japanese after stealing all the flowers from Edinburgh's Princes Street Gardens Clock. The Japanese wear white headbands, trimmed with the Susan Boyle tartan and inscribed with Japanese characters, proclaiming " A Peaceful and Successful day for the Raving Loonie Sculptor".
The Samurai are ever on guard and cannot figure out the drunken, dishevelled Scots who fall out of the late night nightclubs. The Scots are gobsmacked at the sight of the Samurai and too pissed to say anything except "what the f*** was that I need anither drink".
As the solemn procession reaches the Grassmarket they are met by the sculptor, the Raving Loonie at her studio in her (workshop in a shed) dependencia, her Dr Who Police Box look alike.
The Samurai carefully place the sculpture in the Police Box and take up guard on the four corners of the dependencia. Geishas sprinkle mountain water from Mt Fuji or Fuji-san around the Samurai as they purify the area to conceal the smell of dog piss and drunken Scots vomit. The geishas depart for another early morning pushing huge trollies round a nearby Tesco.
The Raving Loonie inspects the sculpture carefully and expresses her satisfaction with one word, "Bueno".
On hand as always is Inspector Rebus of the Lothian and Borders Police, who greets our sculptor with his customary,"buen dia al loonie que delira" as he wishes the Raving Loonie, good morning. As usual Rebus carries 6 Irish Coffees from Starbucks and the Samurai's favourite breakfast, smokies from Arbroath and deep fried, Mars Bars from the all night chippy nearby.
The Samurai wolf down the Mars Bars and devour the smokies as the Raving Loonie continues her work on the sculpture. Rebus goes in search of a 24 hour bar to wake himself up.
Nearby, hidden behind a Public Convenience, a dozen women crouched low to avoid detection. The red scarved fanatics have discovered the whereabouts of the sculpture.
"Blessings be to Susan our moment has arrived" they murmur.
Then in shock, they see it, the object they all desire, no, not the sculpture but the frock. "That Raving Loonie, the Spanish broad, has a new Susan Boyle tartan frock. We want one, we want one, we must have it, we are American, we are the best fans, where can we buy one?" Sick as a parrot, they are. Dream on.