Nuclear Attack - What To Do In The Event Of One

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 30 March 2018

image for Nuclear Attack - What To Do In The Event Of One
Don't look directly at it!

When I was growing up in the 1970s, there was a lot of talk of Nuclear War. "The threat of Nuclear War is all around us", we were told, and the mere thought of it was enough to make you shudder with fright.

In Hull, a leaflet was available entitled 'Hull and the Bomb', with lots of information about likely damage to the area in the event of such an attack, and the likelihood of survival - virtually nil.

Up until very recently, of course, the threat of such a war had been greatly reduced, but, with the current worsening of relations between the United States and North Korea, and the recent 'nerve gas attack' leaving Russia and Great Britain feeling 'icy' towards each other, it's worth thinking about getting frazzled once again.

For those of you who still worry about such an occurrence, here is MW's guide to 'what to do in the event of a full-scale Nuclear War'.

1) As soon as you become aware of an impending nuclear attack, go to your record player or CD player - if you are at home - and, to accompany what is going to happen next, play The Scars 'Your Attention, Please'.

2) Depending on where you are when you hear of the attack, position yourself in a place of safety, such as in a titanium-coated nuclear bunker buried deep beneath the ground - say about 200 metres - in an area that is at least 100 miles from the probable point of impact. Or, some other place of safety, where the effects of the planet-shattering blast will not be so 'keenly felt', such as the Moon.

3) If you are unable to get to a place of safety, duck.

4) If you are in an exposed position, DO NOT look directly at the blast, for doing so could cause permanent damage to your eyes.

5) If you are in a public place, and are asked to evacuate, don't stop to pick up your coat, bag or other belongings. Do NOT run, but walk quietly, and in single file, and go to the meeting point in the playground.

Remember, the government will have already given orders for MASSIVE RETALIATION, so comfort yourself, as you run, screaming, possibly with your HAIR ON FIRE, that the enemy will not be having an easy time of things either. Some people may be injured, or even killed, but, statistically, it is not likely to be you. Although, statistically, statistics are not to be believed.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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